Conspiracy theories

Elon Musk Has Some Thoughts About This One Jew

Just another very normal evening for the world's richest shitposter.

Billionaire shitposter and waste of perfectly good atoms Elon Musk has a clear moral outlook, which is that Elon Musk is the smartest person who ever lived and therefore just about the most important person on Planet Earth. Ergo, anything that's good for Elon Musk is good for the world, while anything that's bad for Elon Musk is bad for the world. So it stands to reason that Musk would be awfully peeved after news broke that billionaire investor George Soros sold off all of his stock in Tesla, the electric car company Musk owns and occasionally gives thought to when he's not trying to make everyone on Twitter love him.

The most likely explanation for Soros's decision is that he'd bought lots of Tesla shares when the stock price was in freefall last year, and saw an opportunity to take some profits when the company's stock rebounded in the first quarter of this year. (Good call, too, since Tesla shares have fallen 11 percent in the last month.) The most likely explanation to Musk, apparently, is that Soros is a comic book supervillain.

Last night, with no context at all, Musk tweeted, "Soros reminds me of Magneto," a reference to the mutant Marvel nemesis of the Wolverine-Men. Because Twitter's algorithm has been janked to goose the Great Thinker's tweets, the tweet has been viewed well over 28 million times as I write this, and probably that'll be well over 35 million by the time I write another couple paragraphs. Update: Just after this post went up, it was already into long-tail territory, and still only at 30 million views. Never trust Wonkette!

That's not just comic-book nerdery of course, because George Soros is the go-to bad guy for whatever bug is up rightwingers' asses, with the HE'S A JEW!!!! part right out loud or comfortably left in the background, because antisemitic hate is kind of a given with references to how George Soros controls American and world politics somehow. At this point there might be two or three rightwingers out there who don't know that "Soros" is a stand-in for "The Jews control everything," but there's no way in the multiverse that Elon Goddamn Musk is unaware of that.

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Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Not Cowering Under Bed After Drone Attack Like American Weenie

Russian president is brave like bear, not weak like opposite of bear.

Greetings, decadent fatty suckling pigs of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and I am not making speaking to you from under my bed after Ukraine Nazis flew drone into Kremlin in desperate assassination attempt. Do not put on Internet that I am under bed! Glorious Russian security services have surplus 56k modems from Circuit City liquidation sale, entire trainloads of nerve agent, and burning itch to use both, da?

You perhaps saw footage on your CNN? Drone flies into Kremlin, there is explosion, and Vladimir Putin definitely does not scream in terror and dive under bed and refuse to come out until witch from Avengers movies makes giant force field over all of Moscow. In fact, he barely noticed giant fireball, so busy was he winning special military operation in Ukraine.

Wonkette, you will call President Zelenskyy of phony Ukraine nation and you will tell him, “You missed, sucker! Send all your drones to Russia, nothing can kill Vladimir Putin! So don’t even try it! I mean it! Why are you calling your military commanders? Put down that radio, you raging Nazi sociopath!”

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National Politics

Kevin McCarthy Suddenly Takes Bold Stand For Ukraine, Wonder What He's Not Scared Of Anymore

It is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum that probably rhymes with Fucker.

The oddest little thing seems to have happened to Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, at least for the moment. He seems to know what side he's supposed to be on in regards to Ukraine and Russia.


But listen, for real, though. He was in Jerusalem, and that empty cavity dead-air tumbleweed-brained pretty boy actually stood up to a Russian reporter.

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fox news

Look Upon Tucker Carlson's Works, Ye Mighty, And Giggle: Reactions To A Small Man's Fall

A sad sad day for wingnutland, yes.

Monday was my day off, so I was actually sitting in a liberal coffee shop in downtown Boise (which is like the Berkeley of Idaho) when the news broke about Tucker Carlson. I didn't overhear any hipsters say a thing about it, because life is not a rightwing Twitter trope. But I did enjoy seeing hundreds of jubilant comments flooding the comments section of the Washington Post story on Carlson's shitcanning, including one or two outliers which insisted that Carlson had only been fired because he was too powerful at exposing the liberal agenda, or that stupid liberals in the comments were assuming Carlson had been fired when the story clearly said that he'd left to pursue his own projects (which the story didn't say).

Still, let's take a moment to recognize what a rare achievement this is for Mr. Carlson. As Matthew Gertz of Media Matters pointed out, Tucker has now been fired from CNN. MSNBC, PBS, and Fox News.

So yes, it was a story that had everyone buzzing, at least online. And of course it made literal Russian propagandists sad, too, like Putin mouthpiece Vladimir Soloviev, an enthusiastic booster of the war on Ukraine and a target of international sanctions. In an email to Tucker reposted on Telegram, he encouraged Tucker to buck up, and offered him a new media home:

Dear Tucker,

Today, the United States mainstream media has lost its last remaining voice of reason. As the rest of the world, we have heard about your decision to quit working for Fox Corp. and wholeheartedly support your decision. You have our admiration and support in any endeavor you choose for yourself next, be it running for president of the United States (which you should totally do, by the way) or making an independent media project. We'll happily offer you a job if you wish to carry on as a presenter and host! You are always welcome in Russia and in Moscow, we wish you the best of luck.


Soloviev Live Team

Not to be outdone, Russian propaganda outlet RT also suggested Tucker should seek a friendlier platform, where "you can always question more":

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