Just another very normal evening for the world's richest shitposter.
Billionaire shitposter and waste of perfectly good atoms Elon Musk has a clear moral outlook, which is that Elon Musk is the smartest person who ever lived and therefore just about the most important person on Planet Earth. Ergo, anything that's good for Elon Musk is good for the world, while anything that's bad for Elon Musk is bad for the world. So it stands to reason that Musk would be awfully peeved after news broke that billionaire investor George Soros sold off all of his stock in Tesla, the electric car company Musk owns and occasionally gives thought to when he's not trying to make everyone on Twitter love him.
The most likely explanation for Soros's decision is that he'd bought lots of Tesla shares when the stock price was in freefall last year, and saw an opportunity to take some profits when the company's stock rebounded in the first quarter of this year. (Good call, too, since Tesla shares have fallen 11 percent in the last month.) The most likely explanation to Musk, apparently, is that Soros is a comic book supervillain.
Last night, with no context at all, Musk tweeted, "Soros reminds me of Magneto," a reference to the mutant Marvel nemesis of the Wolverine-Men. Because Twitter's algorithm has been janked to goose the Great Thinker's tweets, the tweet has been viewed well over 28 million times as I write this, and probably that'll be well over 35 million by the time I write another couple paragraphs. Update: Just after this post went up, it was already into long-tail territory, and still only at 30 million views. Never trust Wonkette!
That's not just comic-book nerdery of course, because George Soros is the go-to bad guy for whatever bug is up rightwingers' asses, with the HE'S A JEW!!!! part right out loud or comfortably left in the background, because antisemitic hate is kind of a given with references to how George Soros controls American and world politics somehow. At this point there might be two or three rightwingers out there who don't know that "Soros" is a stand-in for "The Jews control everything," but there's no way in the multiverse that Elon Goddamn Musk is unaware of that.
Brian Krassenstein, a guy on Twitter, pointed out to Musk that part of what makes Magneto an interesting supervillain is his backstory:
Fun fact: Magneto's experiences during the Holocaust as a survivor shaped his perspective as well as his depth and empathy. Soros, also a Holocaust survivor, get's attacked nonstop for his good intentions which some Americans think are bad merely because they disagree with this political affiliations.
To expand that for non-geeks, Magneto's experiences as a Jewish Holocaust survivor who saw his community wiped out convinced him that humans intended to commit genocide against superpowered mutant persons, and needed to be stopped by any means necessary. (Yes, that's an oversimplification, we know he can also be seen as an antihero and also has helped the X-Files Mans on occasion.) We'd also add that part of the rightwing hate focused on Soros is straight out of Russian propaganda, because he supported the democratic movement in Ukraine that ousted Putin's buddy Viktor Yanukovych. He's also regularly the target of smears from Hungary's Viktor Orban.
Musk, who apparently lacks the knack for subtlety that even comic superhero stories can manage, replied that no, Soros may actually be worse than the fictional Magneto:
You assume they are good intentions. They are not. He wants to erode the very fabric of civilization. Soros hates humanity.
So yeah, that's certainly how evil cartoon supervillains behave: They literally hate humanity and want to destroy civilization, because they're just plain evil, and you're a fool if you believe they have good intentions. We don't actually know of any real human beings who sought to end the world or destroy all civilization (even modern avatars of evil like Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot had definable political objectives other than "I hate humanity"). But sure, George Soros seeks to ruin everything, if you're a fucking antisemitic idiot who believes in conspiracy stories, which are also generally less plausible than many comic book plots.
There were a few souls who asked Musk just what the hell he was slobbering about this time, like former US Ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, who doesn't believe in nonmetaphorical ghosts:
\u201c@elonmusk @krassenstein What data support this hypothesis? In the post communist world Soros has invested heavily in supporting civil society, the very people trying rebuild humanity after decades of communist inhumanity. (I\u2019m not an expert on his activities in other places.)\u201d— Elon Musk (@Elon Musk) 1684202551
What data support this hypothesis? In the post communist world Soros has invested heavily in supporting civil society, the very people trying rebuild humanity after decades of communist inhumanity. (I’m not an expert on his activities in other places.)
And then the Fox News addicts were all up in the replies with the news of how Soros has funded all the crime by sometimes supporting the campaigns of reformist district attorneys. Why? Because he loves criminals, as any supervillain does, duh. And the usual Musk-humping dipshits showed up to explain that anyone questioning Musk is clearly under the influence of George Soros's mind control, another prominent feature of superhero narratives.
Also too, for further context, some smartass went and pointed out that it's pretty weird that Musk is so frightened of the supposed world-changing influence of a guy who, sure, is a billionaire, but whose net worth ($6.7 billion) is a fraction not only of Musk's net worth ($176.9 billion, depending on what he's tweeting), but also a fraction of the $44 billion Musk paid to buy Twitter:
\u201cThe first guy is saying the second guy is too powerful\u201d— Thor Benson (@Thor Benson) 1684206585
Also also Musk last night went even more full on racist than usual, tweeting his approval of posts claiming that Black people are inexplicably violent and shouldn't be allowed to star in streaming series, the end.
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Russian president is brave like bear, not weak like opposite of bear.
Greetings, decadent fatty suckling pigs of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and I am not making speaking to you from under my bed after Ukraine Nazis flew drone into Kremlin in desperate assassination attempt. Do not put on Internet that I am under bed! Glorious Russian security services have surplus 56k modems from Circuit City liquidation sale, entire trainloads of nerve agent, and burning itch to use both, da?
You perhaps saw footage on your CNN? Drone flies into Kremlin, there is explosion, and Vladimir Putin definitely does not scream in terror and dive under bed and refuse to come out until witch from Avengers movies makes giant force field over all of Moscow. In fact, he barely noticed giant fireball, so busy was he winning special military operation in Ukraine.
Wonkette, you will call President Zelenskyy of phony Ukraine nation and you will tell him, “You missed, sucker! Send all your drones to Russia, nothing can kill Vladimir Putin! So don’t even try it! I mean it! Why are you calling your military commanders? Put down that radio, you raging Nazi sociopath!”
Ah, please excuse Vladimir losing temper, Wonkette. I cannot lie to you, it is very difficult time here in Mother Russia. You perhaps have heard of Yevgeny Prigozhin? Prigozhin has been very useful over years. He founded Wagner Group and recruits prisoners to turn into cannon fodder … er, glorious fighting soldiers for the Motherland in special military operation in Ukraine. He helped Donald Trump win your 2016 election with “information warfare,” mostly by infiltrating mommy groups on Facebook to explain how Hillary Clinton would steal children and eat their faces.
Was very inspired! Very good job for someone who mostly used to run Kremlin cafeteria. His okroshka best in Russia because he has secret method for boiling potatoes. Delicious!
But now Prigozhin is very angry with Vladimir. He has been making videos yelling that Russian military is not providing him with enough ammunition to capture fake Ukrainian city of Bakhmut after months and months. I tell him, Yevgeny Viktorovich, you do not need shells and bullets. You just need to tell Wagner soldiers to run directly at Ukrainian positions while screaming “Glory to Stalin!” Like in old days of Great Patriotic War! It may take millions of soldiers, but eventually Nazis give up and by Victory Day we will be eating your okroshka in Kiev. Now go, and make victory!
But no! He just makes more videos of the yelling and the threatening to retreat. Is bad look. Especially on Victory Day.
Speak of, did you see magnificent Victory Day parades across nation, when Russians celebrate singlehandedly defeating Hitler and his Wehrmacht? Was kind of big deal back in day! Now on Victory Day, ranks of brave Russian soldiers march and drive tanks through city while singing patriotic songs about great and fearless and indestructible homeland.
Many of your imperialist leaders say this year was bad celebration because Moscow parade had only one tank, and it was old T-34 from Great Patriotic War. Is true, the vast majority of Russian tanks are busy serving as burned-out monuments to imperialist hubris all over Ukraine … Excuse please, as future jungle gyms for generations of Russian children to play on after majestic victory. As you know, Vladimir loves to plan ahead.
So Moscow parade had only old T-34. Which was great! Vintage, like Russian imperialism, is very – how say it – in right now. And look at how well tank function! It was built back in day when world knew how to build things that lasted. Now everything wears out in a year or explodes when struck by one measly tandem-charge HEAT warhead.
At least Vladimir can still send people to gulag for years for expressing opposition to special military operation. Last week schoolteacher was sentenced to five and half years in prison for making ill speaking of Vladimir on social media and old woman convicted of leaving mean note on Vladimir’s parents’ grave. Which was silly. Parents are dead, they cannot read notes.
I tell good friend Donald Trump, you need laws like this in United States. Imagine how many people you could imprison for speaking ill of you on social media or telling your dead parents they raised psychopath. Would solve many problems! CNN town hall would have been most watched show in American history. Bigger even than “M*A*S*H” finale! Ratings are easy when your people are afraid you will kill them for not watching.
Good friend Donald Trump was very receptive to this idea. I promise him he will win election, then he will arrest everyone, then we will make the laughing. Will be good time!
Ah, derelict coitus goblins of Wonkette, is good to talk, no? Perhaps you will consider moving to village we are building near Moscow for expat Americans who are tired of living under oppressive boot heel of Joe Biden’s America, with its wokeness and its 70 genders. Is far too many genders! You would need almost three American alphabets to cover initials for all of them. Why would you not want to live in Mother Russia? We have only two genders, and there is no confusion about bathrooms. Use wrong bathroom and we shoot you. Is simple rule.
Mater' Bozh'ya! Another drone! Bring it on! Vladimir is invincible. He is strong, he is virile, he can sexually satisfy dozens of beautiful women all at once. Nothing can kill Vladimir! Except maybe germs. And undercooked lynx meat. And open windows.
Germs, lynx meat and open windows. You will say nothing, Wonkette! Phony nation of Ukraine is not only one with exploding drones and unquenchable bloodthirst.
It is a mystery wrapped in a conundrum that probably rhymes with Fucker.
The oddest little thing seems to have happened to Republican House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, at least for the moment. He seems to know what side he's supposed to be on in regards to Ukraine and Russia.
But listen, for real, though. He was in Jerusalem, and that empty cavity dead-air tumbleweed-brained pretty boy actually stood up to a Russian reporter.
"We know that you don't support the unlimited and uncontrolled supplies of weaponry and aid to Ukraine," the reporter, who introduced himself as part of Russian state-sponsored media outlet RIA Novosti, asked McCarthy. "So, can you comment: Is it possible in the near future [that] the U.S. policy regarding sending weaponry to Ukraine will change?"
You see, the Russian reporter was able to set up the question that way because Kevin has been a cowardly skidmark about this in the past.
But Kevin was like oh no no no no no.
"I vote for aid to Ukraine, I support aid to Ukraine," McCarthy replied.
And he said:
"I do not support what your country has done to Ukraine. I do not support your killing of the children, either.
"And I think for one standpoint you should pull out, and I don't think it's right. And we will continue to support because the rest of the world sees it just as it is."
Oh! Look at that!
And everybody clapped for him, which Kevin likes, because clapping means he did a good thing and is a good boy and people like him and think he's handsome.
\u201cMcCarthy in Israel admonishes a Russian reporter, tells him "I do not support what your country has done to Ukraine. I do not support your killing of the children either."\u201d— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1682952180
Credit where credit is due. McCarthy did not hesitate. He actually got his back up and immediately stopped that sniveling Russian reporter in his tracks.
Of course, who knows what will happen when Kevin gets home and has to face Marjorie Taylor Greene, since she is a foreign policy moron and a Putin cheerleader, and he has said in the past that he will "never leave that woman." Literally just this morning, she posted one of her million-word screeds on Twitter that reads like a mass shooter manifesto, and it included re-vomited Russian propaganda about "their precious war against nuclear Russia in Ukraine" and other idiot words.
Again, the Russian reporter was only able to ask this because Kevin McCarthy has repeated "blank check" rhetoric, which is basically what the reporter asked him about. Credit to McCarthy for shutting it down, but if we want to avoid these stinky situations in the future, KEVIN, you know what we should not do? Barf out GOP/Kremlin propaganda about Ukraine on the regs.
But he did it. Some people are wondering if maybe he feels little bit freer now that a certain Kremlin court fluffer has lost his giant Fox News microphone. At the Washington Post, Aaron Blake notes that McCarthy specifically didn't take the "blank check" bait. And he adds:
McCarthy also said that “we will continue to support” Ukraine, which would seem to send a message to members like Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Fla.) and McCarthy’s newfound ally Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.), who have joined with Carlson to try to push the party in an isolationist direction. [...]
But we shouldn’t dismiss the Carlson effect. It was just three months ago that conservative former British prime minister Boris Johnson suggested that Republicans were too scared of Carlson to stick up for Ukraine. “I’ve been amazed and horrified by how many people are frightened of a guy called Tucker Carlson,” Johnson said.
And Tucker's gone now. Therefore Kevin doesn't have to keep him happy anymore. He knows that if he finds any more J6 tapes lying around that he needs turned into lying propaganda that whitewashes the insurrection, he's gonna have to give them to Newsmax or something.
Oh noooooo Tucker, come back!
Serious talk, though. We don't think any of us has really begun to grapple with all the ways our politics may change in the next couple years simply because that motherfucker doesn't have his nightly 8 p.m. perch on Fox News. It'll be interesting to watch.
Marjorie Taylor Greene really is going to be so mad, though, seriously. First she finds out there's an entire Pornhub website that's all about Hunter Biden's wing-a-wang, and then Kevin McCarthy, her very best friend forever, goes off to Israel and openly says nice things about America's allies and is unkind to our enemies. That is not the kind of behavior she likes to see. If that rumor about her only having three great big weird prehistoric dinosaur toes on each foot was true we bet she would kick Kevin McCarthy with them when he got back to America.
But it's not true, so if she kicks him, it'll be with regular feet, the end.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@firstname.lastname@example.org) and at Post!
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A sad sad day for wingnutland, yes.
Monday was my day off, so I was actually sitting in a liberal coffee shop in downtown Boise (which is like the Berkeley of Idaho) when the news broke about Tucker Carlson. I didn't overhear any hipsters say a thing about it, because life is not a rightwing Twitter trope. But I did enjoy seeing hundreds of jubilant comments flooding the comments section of the Washington Post story on Carlson's shitcanning, including one or two outliers which insisted that Carlson had only been fired because he was too powerful at exposing the liberal agenda, or that stupid liberals in the comments were assuming Carlson had been fired when the story clearly said that he'd left to pursue his own projects (which the story didn't say).
Still, let's take a moment to recognize what a rare achievement this is for Mr. Carlson. As Matthew Gertz of Media Matters pointed out, Tucker has now been fired from CNN. MSNBC, PBS, and Fox News.
So yes, it was a story that had everyone buzzing, at least online. And of course it made literal Russian propagandists sad, too, like Putin mouthpiece Vladimir Soloviev, an enthusiastic booster of the war on Ukraine and a target of international sanctions. In an email to Tucker reposted on Telegram, he encouraged Tucker to buck up, and offered him a new media home:
Today, the United States mainstream media has lost its last remaining voice of reason. As the rest of the world, we have heard about your decision to quit working for Fox Corp. and wholeheartedly support your decision. You have our admiration and support in any endeavor you choose for yourself next, be it running for president of the United States (which you should totally do, by the way) or making an independent media project. We'll happily offer you a job if you wish to carry on as a presenter and host! You are always welcome in Russia and in Moscow, we wish you the best of luck.
Soloviev Live Team
Not to be outdone, Russian propaganda outlet RT also suggested Tucker should seek a friendlier platform, where "you can always question more":
We're just asking: Should we include Donald Trump Jr. to our list of Russian assets? Tucker really loved asking questions, after all. Junior told Charlie Kirk that he hoped Carlson would keep bringing his "facts, logic, and reason" to Americans, and the punchlines kind of write themselves, don't they?
\u201cDonald Trump Jr comments on Tucker Carlson being out at Fox News\n\nFox News market cap down $1 billion\n\nTucker Carlson unrestricted to Spotify would be great\u201d— \u2022 \u15f0IS\u1455\u157cI\u15f4\u15b4 \u2122 \u2022 (@\u2022 \u15f0IS\u1455\u157cI\u15f4\u15b4 \u2122 \u2022) 1682362151
NBC News correspondent Ben Collins, whose beat is rightwing extremism, offered this succinct commentary on Carlson's firing, the video for "Walkin' on Sunshine."
And don't it feel good? Carlson and fellow reporter Brandy Zadrozny were targeted by Carlson following the November 2022 mass shooting in Colorado Springs because they pointed out Carlson's hate-inciting smears of LGBTQ people for "grooming" children. But you see, Carlson's obsessive hatefulness couldn't have anything to do with a massacre at a gay bar because the shooter's lawyer said he was nonbinary, so any suggestion that Carlson incites murderous rage is "all a grotesque and filthy lie." Carlson had previously smeared Zadrozny for her reporting on online harassment campaigns by white nationalists, lying that her job at NBC News "is personally seeking out and identifying information about anonymous Trump supporters online."
Zadrozny twote her own thoughts on Carlson's departure:
\u201c\ud83c\udfb5Bye byeeeeeeeee \ud83c\udfb6\u201d— Brandy Zadrozny (@Brandy Zadrozny) 1682350560
Later Monday, Zadrozny reminded her media colleagues to be very skeptical of any pretended repentance by Carlson, should that ever happen, because remember Glenn Beck? (Oh, wait, that link is to a different time he said he was sorry for wrecking America. Did we really not report on that dumb New York Times story in 2016? Sorry.)
\u201cEveryone let's agree right now we're not gonna do this again\u201d— Brandy Zadrozny (@Brandy Zadrozny) 1682353355
We should probably point out that nobody really believed Beck was sorry at the time, and even the Times article was skeptical, albeit probably not enough. The same will be true of any potential Carlson apology tour. Oh, yes, Beck posted a Twitter thread to remind Tucker that God has a reason for everything, and sure, Tucker would be welcome at The Blaze, which is that even still on cable or satellite anymore? It is not, but the website/streaming thing still exists.
We tried to find a video of Fox News announcing Carlson's department, but all we turned up was this Lincoln Project video that used the very careful reading of the network's statement to bookend a collection of Carlson's worst worseness, all to Pachelbel's Canon, so that'll do:
\u201cSo many lies, so little time. In memoriam of Tucker Carlson & Fox News, 2009-2023.\u201d— The Lincoln Project (@The Lincoln Project) 1682365616
Of that official video, comedian Seth Meyers said, "Wow, I’ve seen more convincing reads on North Korean TV." And on Fox itself, Fox 'n' Friends host Brian Kilmeade filled in during Carlson's time slot, but offered no real insights, saying only that "Fox News and Tucker Carlson have agreed to part ways. I wish Tucker the best. [...] I am great friends with Tucker and always will be." Clearly, somebody really needs to sue Fox for libel again so we can see what Kilmeade actually emailed about Carlson. Maybe something like this?
\u201cMood upon hearing the news of Tucker Carlson being canned by Fox:\n\nhttps://t.co/RpM3tCPFkd\u201d— Jo \ud83c\udf3b (@Jo \ud83c\udf3b) 1682351658
Carlson himself hasn't tweeted anything since Friday, assuming that's actually his account, and former CNN media correspondent Brian Stelter points out that, in a real departure for the always-opinionated Carlson, he still hasn't said anything about his own firing as of this morning.
Probably still sorting out all the offers from rightwing vitamin supplement makers and Russian broadcasters, the end.
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