BRB, Wonkette's Top 10 Has To Go Punch G_d In The Face
10. Jamie Dimon DEMANDS To Know What Congress Will Spend HIS MONEY On, And It Had Best Be Up To Snuff! Speaking from some experience, he should try telling the military to hold a bake sale, and see if that goes any better.
9. How Did Liz Cheney Become The Sympathetic Gangster In This GOP Gangster Movie? Yeah, really didn't see "Resistance Hero Liz Cheney" coming because I lack that screenwriter's sense of LOL. But "Resistance Hero Liz Cheney" doesn't mean she's actually good, besides doing this good and important thing, as if I have to tell you that.
8. Anti-Maskers So Scared Of Vaxxed People, They Just Might Have To Wear A Mask! Haha, but yeah, they still won't. Luckily, Trader Joe's just announced that "fully vaccinated people" don't have to wear masks in its stores, which means yay, nobody has to wear masks in Trader Joe's stores! (Not yay, I feel all of this is very premature, seeing as how the pandemic is not over yet.)
7. Another Accused Capitol Rioter MAYBE Bad At Crime, Caught After Bragging On Facebook. There were more this week, like the active duty Marine Corps major who was arrested, or the lunatics shouting at their judges on Zoom, but I don't think we wrote about them.
6. Charming MMA Guy Explains Why His Girlfriend Should Make Him Coffee He Doesn't Drink. Wanking motion.
5. Sovereign Citizen Streams Self Stealing Vial Of Vaccine, To Save Us All From 'Poisoning'. This country needs severe investments in education, local journalism, and mental health.
4. Macho Jesus'-Loving Trump Prophet Kicked Out Of Own Church For 'Unbiblical Behavior'. Don't even know what this was, I assume some sort of boning, possibly gay.
3. Did Trumps Bone Secret Service In More Ways Than One? I assume some sort of boning, probably not gay.
2. No, Human Traffickers Are Not Using Cheese To Kidnap People. ... Okay.
1. Very Seriously, Christians Demand To Know Why Joe Biden Is Cancel Culturing God! Half the time I see this headline, I think about that dumb West Wing episode where Martin Sheen chews up the cathedral set, and half the time I think about Andrew Sullivan talking about how his testes supplements make him feel like he could punch God in the face. I don't care for either!
And there you have it!
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Now that you have read your top 10 stories and given us the money we require TO LIVE, you may have whatever these are, like this SRS BSNS.
Lula has vry srs bsns.
And doing her dance of evil, is my five-year-old daughter, AH LOVE MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD GOTH DAUGHTER.
GOODBYE! And see you shortly!
Wonkette's Top 10 Is Eating Tiny Cakes We Like
10. Jim Justice Didn't Think He Was Going To Need Actual Evidence To Justify Transphobic Law. West Virginia governor isn't the brightest Democrat turned Republican we've ever seen.
9. Kansas Lawmaker Arrested For Assaulting Student After Long Day Of Yelling At Teens About God. This guy seems to be going through something, he couldn't have always been like that?
8. The Absolutely True Story Of The Florida Homecoming Queen Hacker Mom! I see what Dok did there.
7. QAnon Lady So Mad Satan Tricking People To Believe Science Instead Of Their Guts. I haven't read this but I feel like I have!
6. Happy May Day! Let's Talk About Some Awesome Ladies Of The Labor Movement. Oh shit, I forgot things my mother taught me! Well looks like I will post it for Mother's Day tomorrow instead, thank you for reminding me, Robyn's post!
5. End Times Idiot Rick Wiles Super-Psyched About Big Dumbstupids Dying Of COVID Vaccine. Man of God so happy the rest of us are all going to die, of "vaccine."
4. Josh Duggar Arrested For Child Porn, Shocking Absolutely No One. Yeah.
3. Want Your Own Business? Want Employees? Then You Have To Pay Them. This headline isn't really true, you can do all kinds of shit, if you're a bad person. I will click on it and see if it's right!
2. Joe Biden Gives Dandelion To His Wife Because He's Some Kind Of Monster. They are really struggling aren't they?
1. Court-Ordered, Judge-Approved Things Wonkette Can Say About Larry Klayman: A List! Hey, it's me! And Superlawyer Larry Klayman! And we have defeated him in a court of law! For serious, this is why we ask you to keep us swimming in ducats and golden doubloons: Because we're your favorite mommyblog, recipe hub, and Superlawyer Larry Klayman Lawyerin' News Emporium, and without us, your life would be drab and pointless and ain't have no Larry Klayman lawsuits in it, except for all the ones he files against Joe Biden, and all the black people, and former presidents' genitals. (RHETORICAL HYPERBOLE!)
So please if you can, keep it coming.
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Now I have only one picture left, I have lain down on the job, I am sorry.
Stern Lu
GOODBYE!
Wonkette's Top 10 Is Full Of Fabulous Celebrities!
10. Matt Gaetz Tried To Get Daddy Trump To Lean On DOJ To Push Big Lie All The Way Back In *June*. Yeah, he and his Florida US Attorney buddy were cooking up all kinds of good plans!
9. 'America First' Comes To GOP Wrapped In The Flag, Carrying A Burning Cross. Don't even know what this is about, I took Monday OFF. Oh was it Margarine's immediately disavowed Nazi Pac?
8. Federalist Lady Very Upset Over Alleged Booty Surplus. She does not like big butts, I assume, and I assume everyone already said this.
7. Yoga Causes 'Psychotic Episodes,' Strokes, Hinduism, Say Alabama Christian Groups. Thought you libs loved SCIENCE, henghhhhhh.
6. MyPillow Guy Invites Ted Nugent And Michael Flynn To Self-Pity-A-Thon For Non-Functioning Website. What a fun party we should all go to.
5. Matt Gaetz Is Paying For It. Haha Liz was so mean.
4. Ben Shapiro Got A Wood. Haha Evan was so mean.
3. Liberty University Sues Jerry Falwell Jr. For Breach Of Contract. Also Being A Gross Perv. Things he got sued for!
2. Actor Jim Caviezel Warns Of 'The Adrenochroming Of Children,' Goes Full QAnon. It's sad, he was very pretty.
1. The Chauvin Jury Is Back. Here We Go, America. The relief didn't last long, and we were back to it.
And there you have it, a Wonkette Top 10 full of fabulous celebrities!
Now after you hit up the Wonkette Bazaar
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you may have two photos and POSSIBLY a video of Donna Rose and Tallulah at the fishing access by the chicken farm we went to last weekend, where they had SO MUCH FUN. "We don't want to walk to the river wah wah bitch bitch," said Donna Rose. "Wah there is something in my boot bitch wah." Guess who had the GREATEST TIME, as obviously two inches of water is the best toy in the world.
https://t.co/O7H9MvCqnA— Shypixel (@Shypixel) 1619272513.0
GOODBYE!
Wonkette's Top 10 Is Bottomlessly Assh*lish!
10. The Right's Latest Assault On Pizza: Trump 'Accidentally' Sanctioned Random Italian Restaurant. Robyn has given this a lot of thought over a lot of years. And they're doing it again.
9. America-Hating Republicans Cancel Baseball For Loving Voting Rights Too Much. You know, how they do.
8. Eric Trump's Wedding Planner Earns Four-Year Ban From 'Government' 'Service,' Like She Cares About Either. Yeah, you remember her. Barely.
7. Jordan Peterson: If The Red Skull Fits! Michael came to do a special non-Monday shows nerd post, and you liked it!
6. It's Easter! Now, Stay Home Until Everyone's Vaccinated. YES SIR SER you said.
5. Sounds Like Matt Gaetz's Buddy Joel Greenberg 'Bout To FLIIIIIIIIIIIIP! That guy, my fucking god.
4. Matt Gaetz Is Not A Criminal Sex Monk, OK? That guy, my fucking god.
3. Jen Psaki's Got Your 'Tone' Right Here, Buddy. Jen Psaki is Be Best.
2. Amazon Admits Pee Bottles Are A Thing, Not Denying Union-Busting Either. And yet they still won their union election yesterday. FOR NOW.
1. John Boehner Reflects On Congress, Tradition, Bottomless Assholery Of Ted Cruz. Did you listen to the audio? That man DRONK.
And there you have it, this week's top 10! Now after you give us money with this widget
or join our Patreon or buy mugs from the Wonkette Bazaar (haha Jimmy got a job at Safeway and it does NOT pay $25 an hour and I have RUINT him for all other work!) or do a venmo at I don't know my venmo handle, try searching Rebecca Schoenkopf? or did you know you could even give us money via Facebook? Well after you have done ONE EACH OF THOSE THINGS, you may have two more pictures because that's what I have this week:
Future nightlife columnist, obviously.
GOODBYE!
