At least they'll have really clear pores!
Between vaccine mandates and the seemingly endless barrage of anti-vaccine misinformation, it's hardly surprising that there are a lot of people out there who got the vaccine despite not wanting to get it, or who got the vaccine and then decided they never should have gotten it in the first place. It is also hardly surprising that various bad actors, particularly those who wish to make a name for themselves, have come out with "vaccine detoxes" claiming to rid people of various non-existent toxins and also Bill Gates' Mark of the Beast microchip.
There have been many since the beginning — frequently involving n-acetylcysteine (NAC) and zinc, pine needle tea and various Dr. Snakeoil's Protocols. The anti-vaxxers love to call everything they do a "protocol," as they think it sounds more official and sciencey.
Recently, one such "protocol" has taken the Tik-Tok anti-vaxxernet by storm — a "detox bath" that the completely batshit Dr. Carrie Madej claims can rid the body not only of the "toxins" in the vaccine, but also the nanotechnology. The bath involves Epsom salt, baking soda, Bentonite clay (AKA the Aztec Secret Healing Mask I do every other week), and, of course, Borax.
This is far from the first time that mask has gone viral on TikTok, but it's certainly the weirdest.
Ben Collins reports at NBC:
The ingredients in the bath are mostly not harmful, although the supposed benefits attached to them are entirely fictional. Baking soda and epsom salts, she falsely claims, will provide a "radiation detox" to remove radiation Madej falsely believes is activated by the vaccine. Bentonite clay will add a "major pull of poison," she says, based on a mistaken idea in anti-vaccine communities that toxins can be removed from the body with certain therapies.
Then, she recommends adding in one cup of borax, a cleaning agent that's been banned as a food additive by the Food and Drug Administration, to "take nanotechnologies out of you."
Borax is a very common ingredient in many extremely messed up and very bad for you "alternative therapies" for autism and Morgellons (a form of delusional parasitosis in which people believe that they are covered in sores containing "fibers"), and it really, really, really is not a thing you should have anywhere near your skin or in your body. You definitely should not ingest it, as many "protocols" suggest, as it can make you very, very sick.
The whole bath itself is not original. It's one of the many "detox" baths that people who believe they have Morgellons promote, right down to the idea of the Borax taking "nanotechnologies out of you." In that case, the nanotechnologies are the fibers, in this case they are either Bill Gates' Mark of the Beastchip or, as Dr. Madej has previously claimed, a "liquified computing system" that people are being injected with via the vaccine. We picture this:
One person on the Bitchute upload of the video even specifically said that another protocol should lead to seeing moving threads come out of your body.
If in the shower, you use antibacterial soap and enough water to make a paste; let sit on 5 min. When you are dry, you can put rubbing alcohol on the affected area. You will see these moving threads coming out of your body. Smother with a thick lotion and they die. repeat until feel better.
Dr. Madej also claims that the vaccines contain functionally immortal "live parasitic agents" similar to freshwater polyp hydra vulgaris. Fellow believers in this theory also claim that vaccines include "graphene oxide" meant to feed the eggs so they can grow and, I guess, turn us all into pod people or some shit. There is, however, no "graphene oxide" in the vaccines.
This is also one reason why they claim we don't want them to take Ivermectin — not because it doesn't work, but because it will kill the parasite we are so eager to see grow inside people's bodies.
As damaging as misinformation can sometimes be, this could be extremely useful misinformation. If people think they can get the vaccine to satisfy mandates and then rid themselves of it (and the attendant microchips and immortal parasites) with some shit from the drug store? I say we encourage it (minus the Borax!). Worst thing that can happen to them is that they'll just have super clear pores.
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It is November 11, 2021, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made me want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 103rd anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our tenth consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday column here at Wonkette, if you can believe that!
As is our tradition, we get our copy of Breakfast of Championsdown from our mental shelf, dust it off, and hold it up to the light. It's still the right quote for the occasion:
So this book is a sidewalk strewn with junk, trash which I throw over my shoulders as I travel in time back to November eleventh, nineteen hundred and twenty-two.
I will come to a time in my backwards trip when November eleventh, accidentally my birthday, was a sacred day called Armistice Day. When I was a boy [...] all the people of all the nations which had fought in the First World War were silent during the eleventh minute of the eleventh hour of Armistice Day, which was the eleventh day of the eleventh month.
It was during that minute in nineteen hundred and eighteen, that millions upon millions of human beings stopped butchering one another. I have talked to old men who were on battlefields during that minute. They have told me in one way or another that the sudden silence was the Voice of God. So we still have among us some men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind.
Armistice Day has become Veterans' Day. Armistice Day was sacred. Veterans' Day is not.
So I will throw Veterans' Day over my shoulder. Armistice Day I will keep. I don't want to throw away any sacred things.
What else is sacred? Oh, Romeo and Juliet, for instance.
And all music is.
-- Breakfast of Champions (1973)
And as I traditionally note, this is simply the most Vonnegut-y thing you could wish for: the time travel, the sentimentality, the affectation (which he used throughout Breakfast and in other novels) of writing out the year, and that beautiful line, "men who can remember when God spoke clearly to mankind" — Jesus, that's nice stuff.
This year, we celebrate Kurt Vonnegut's birthday and the end of the first modern war — a science fiction spectacle, as we've noted previously — in something of an odd circumstance. For the first time since I've been doing this, the United States of America is no longer at war in Afghanistan.
We can't quite say the Forever Wars have ended, however, since troops are still being deployed to Iraq, where some 2,500 troops remain. Another 900 troops are still in Syria. US officials said in October that troops will be staying in both countries for the foreseeable future.
Kurt Vonnegut was still alive to rail against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq in his final collection of essays, A Man Without A Country, published in paperback in January 2007, three months before he fell, hit his head, and died. So it goes.
Vonnegut's best novel, Slaughterhouse-Five, ends with Billy Pilgrim, his time-traveling protagonist, walking out into the ruins of Dresden with other American soldiers who had been captured, and then survived the firebombing of that city in a deep slaughterhouse basement, just as Vonnegut himself had. Vonnegut did not report hearing the voice of God at the end of his war.
In the novel, the war is over and the German army has disappeared to go fight the Russians, and a bird asks Billy Pilgrim, "Poo-tee-weet?"
Vonnegut sets up this ending in the prefatory first chapter of Slaughterhouse-Five, explaining to his publisher that what he'd planned to be his big fat war epic had turned out different from how he'd imagined it:
Sam — here's the book.
It is so short and jumbled and jangled, Sam, because there is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre. Everybody is supposed to be dead, to never say anything or want anything ever again. Everything is supposed to be very quiet after a massacre, and it always is, except for the birds.
And what do the birds say? All there is to say about a massacre, things like "Poo-tee-weet?"
Needless to say, it's a far better book by not being a fat war epic, because those kinds of books aren't necessarily very honest.
Americans have largely left Afghanistan, although efforts to rescue Afghans who worked with the US continue, mostly carried out by volunteers. As a New Yorker piece published in September noted, many Afghan women in rural areas may even welcome the Taliban for bringing order, compared to the corruption of the local warlords who thrived while the Americans were there. For good or ill, the war there is over, unless a new civil war erupts, always a possibility where there are lots of factions and lots of weapons from all over the world.
The Taliban may be terrible, but the end of the war at least means an end to the raids, by both US and Afghan forces, that killed or maimed countless Afghan civilians. One woman listed all the relatives she's lost since the Americans came:
There was Muhammad, a fifteen-year-old cousin: he was killed by a buzzbuzzak, a drone, while riding his motorcycle through the village with a friend. "That sound was everywhere," Shakira recalled. "When we heard it, the children would start to cry, and I could not console them."
Muhammad Wali, an adult cousin: Villagers were instructed by coalition forces to stay indoors for three days as they conducted an operation, but after the second day drinking water had been depleted and Wali was forced to venture out. He was shot.
Khan Muhammad, a seven-year-old cousin: His family was fleeing a clash by car when it mistakenly neared a coalition position; the car was strafed, killing him.
The list goes on, five more paragraphs, each about one family member lost, and there were many more deaths; sixteen in her family alone. There's nothing much intelligent to say about that, either.
Meanwhile, here at home, a substantial portion of the population thinks America can only be put right by a good civil war, or at least by terrorizing school board members and the folks who run our elections. Vonnegut had an especially low opinion of such bullies, and I can't help but think he would have been absolutely astonished that vast numbers of Americans would refuse to get vaccinated against a disease that has now killed three-quarters of a million of us.
But Uncle Kurt would certainly recognize the people who are calling for dirty, anti-American books to be pulled out of the schools, and perhaps even burned. People who think their mission is moral improvement have been at war with Slaughterhouse-Five since it was published fifty-two years ago. No doubt it will eventually get caught up somewhere in the current enthusiasm for cleansing the schools, although it may be spared in some of the early rounds because it's primarily about the cruelty of war, not about America's internal cruelty to Americans or about gay people.
In 1973, Slaughterhouse-Five wasn't merely removed from library shelves in Drake, North Dakota. The school board ordered a custodian at the high school to burn all 32 classroom copies of the novel — and later, others — in the school's furnace, prompting Vonnegut to write to Charles McCarthy, the chair of the Drake School Board, to remind him that Vonnegut was an American, a veteran, a good citizen who had never been arrested, and a human being. The full text of the letter can be found here; to save space, here's a video of the letter being read by actor Benedict Cumberbatch:
We can't resist copy-pasting at least this paragraph, which is every bit as true nearly forty years later:
If you were to bother to read my books, to behave as educated persons would, you would learn that they are not sexy, and do not argue in favor of wildness of any kind. They beg that people be kinder and more responsible than they often are. It is true that some of the characters speak coarsely. That is because people speak coarsely in real life. Especially soldiers and hardworking men speak coarsely, and even our most sheltered children know that. And we all know, too, that those words really don't damage children much. They didn't damage us when we were young. It was evil deeds and lying that hurt us.
Vonnegut did not receive a reply.
But like his spiritual forbears Mark Twain and George Orwell, Vonnegut definitely did know that people could be better, or he believed it strongly enough to keep from despair, if we would just remember that other people are indeed people.
In 1965's God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater, his sixth novel, the main character offers this benediction to newborn twins:
Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind."
Vonnegut was still chewing on the very same idea in his final novel, Timequake(1997):
Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'
He might well be cheered to see that in California agriculture country, farmworkers and growers and activists and health care clinics have all worked together to get well over 90 percent of their communities vaccinated against our latest plague. He'd be heartened that there's a fighting chance that we'll finally take serious action on climate, and on expanding the care economy. He'd remind us that the loudmouths are just that, and that we can do better, because we have done better at times.
The last living veteran of the Great War, Florence Green, died in 2012 just two weeks short of her 111th birthday. Let us dream of a world that no longer manufactures any new veterans.
As ever, we'll close with Eric Bogle's version of "And The Band Played Waltzing Matilda," because music is sacred.
And now it is your OPEN THREAD.
Yr Wonkette is supported entirely by reader donations. You keep supporting us, and we'll keep tinkering with how to remember Kurt Vonnegut.
You Probably Need Books!
Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions
Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five
Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country
Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick,
Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater,
Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake
Adam Hochschild, To End All Wars: A Story of Loyalty and Rebellion, 1914-1918
Ginger Strand, The Brothers Vonnegut
Personally I'm more of a snail mucin gal.
Meet Katie Souza! She's a kooky gal who supposedly led a life of crime and drugs and danger before becoming an evangelist. In a recent (okay, two weeks ago but I kept meaning to get to it!) episode of "Sid Roth's 'It's Supernatural!,' one of my favorite fundie talk shows on the YouTube because of how he reminds me of Kane from Poltergeist, Souza explained how one can stay young forever simply by banishing the Evil Spirit of Death" from their lives. Which means I have been spending way too much money on skincare products.
What is the Evil Spirit of Death? Let's let Katie explain:
The spirit of death is active in the world at every moment, he's putting death on people's bodies, he's causing rapid aging, he's causing disease, disorder, he's also killing off finances and marriages and relationships.
And Sid, honestly, I believe that when we transition to heaven as a born-again believer, that we just do that. We lay down at God's appointed time and we just transition to our place in glory.
If the spirit of death is in the room at the time of our death, it usually means that we're dying of a disease or something that was not the will of God.
Well that is just science.
Souza has had her own run-ins with the Spirit of Death, who came into her room one day when she was sick. She even heard his voice! So she asked God who it was and God was all "It's the spirit of death, he's on assignment to kill you." And then she immediately went into menopause!
Renounce This Evil Spirit Aging You Prematurely!youtu.be
Then she gained eight pounds and her hair got really bad and her skin started sagging all over — just in a week! As if that wasn't bad enough, the Spirit of Death then started screwing with her marriage and cutting off the financial support for her ministry.
And it got worse!
"I had four people in my life, very close to me, who were killed by the Spirit of Death," she explained, "Then he even took the lives of my dogs! Two of my dogs died within weeks of each other."
Apparently, as she learned from the holy spirit, she did some kind of sinning that gave the Spirit of Death the right to attack her and her organs. And apparently her dogs.
So she rededicated her life to Jesus and repented constantly, and that made her skin tighter and made her marriage better. Alas, her friends and dogs stayed dead.
Later in the video, she tells the story of how she met an old lady with some health problems and so she shook the Spirit of Death out of her and then the next day she was young again. And apparently wearing the same outfit and standing in the exact same place. Magic!
She Shook Off the Spirit of Death & This Happens… #Shortswww.youtube.com
Yeah, I think I am probably going to stick with my snail mucin and AHA/BHA and all of my other skincare stuff, as that has been working pretty well from me (such a big fan of the Philosophy Microdelivery Dream Peel right now, by the way). I am not really interested in any supernatural assistance, as I already know how that movie ends.
meryl streep 90s movies GIF by absurdnoiseGiphy
Jesus' anti-aging program looks a hell of a lot like Botox and fillers anyway.
Here is a quick but extremely dramatic bio of Souza from some religious channel called Daystar, though I have absolutely no way of vetting any of this right now.. I'm definitely getting some Mike Warnke energy though so take it with a grain of salt.
Born in 1963, Katie Souza grew up a tomboy, hunting and fishing with her mother on a rural ranch in Wisconsin. At age ten her family moved to the Hawaiian Islands. Katie's problems began when she started experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and hallucinogenic mushrooms. Her use of drugs escalated when, at age 17, she went to work in the entertainment industry as a disc jockey in Honolulu, Hawaii.
At age twenty, Katie left Hawaii to go to California. For three years she worked as a broadcast engineer at a CBS affiliate in Bakersfield, doing modeling and television commercials on the side. At this point her drug use was daily. In 1986, Katie moved to Los Angeles. Engrossed in the Hollywood drug scene, Katie dropped out of television and started a rock band. By 1991, Katie had become a career criminal. Her life consisted of drugs, clandestine laboratories, stolen vehicles, high-speed chases, gun shootouts, and many arrests. She was arrested in February of 1999, charged by the federal government with manufacturing, conspiracy and gun possession, Katie was sentenced to twelve and a half years in federal prison.
Part-Time Model - Flight Of The Conchords (Lyrics)www.youtube.com
So Souza did all of the crimes, all of them, and then she found Jesus and now she makes her living shaking old ladies to get evil death spirits to leave them alone so they can be young again. Good for her.
Now I am going to go and learn literally everything about this lady and her wackadoo life, and you may all open thread!
ETA: Don't forget! Stephen and I will be live here tomorrow at 3:30pm EST, so come hang out with us!
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Thornton is here to talk you down. Or at least purr and shed on you some.
Right around when we were deciding whether our next story to go up should be Texas trying again to ban abortion forever, or possibly one of the multiple COVID stories we have today, it occurred to us that maybe you might need a break. So here's my cat, Thornton, who on Saturday night appeared to be intent on becoming a sea otter.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat as needed.
Afghanistan and COVID and terrible politicians will still be there and we'll still have to deal with them. For the moment here is a contented kitty who is curled up as if it were winter already, but that's more because, as a liquid, he's obliged to fill the shape of his soft fabric basket bed.
And almost as Jimmy Carter reminded the kid who was tripping on Orange Sunshine, Thornton reminds you:
Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. The news today is very heavy. Relax, stay inside and listen to some music, Okay? Do you have any Allman Brothers?
Also, he would like you to go get him the Greenies catnip treats, because his human was not nearly generous just now.
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