Hi, I'm Matt Taibbi And I Did Not Get Smoked Like A Salmon By Mehdi Hasan, Shut Up.

Elon Musk's mouthpiece does not need to 'prepare' for an 'interview' so people will think he 'knows' what he's 'talking about.'

Bro! Bro! Broooooooooo! Down here, bro!

Yeah yeah, I know I’ve made some changes since you were last down here. I took down the Kyrie Irving poster after the Nets traded him. That old neon Rolling Rock sign finally burned out. I set up this entire Faraday cage so the government can’t get into my computer or scan my brain.

Of course they can. The brain fires off electrical impulses, Faraday cages block electromagnetic interference, ergo the government cannot get in here and read my mind. I’d turn my entire skull into a Faraday cage if I could, but it would probably scare my children. They’re already a little weirded out that I never leave this room without a metal bucket over my head.

The plastic wrap? Keeps out the miniature drones with tranquilizer darts the government keeps trying to send in through the air vents. Smart, huh?

Of course the model train set is still here, but I have added a few things. I made a little park right next to this part of the tracks. That’s Rachel Maddow sitting on the bench talking to her CIA handler.

Also I built a model of CIA headquarters over here and made the trains run right through it. It’s a metaphor for journalism!

What’s that? Bro, I always wear my conductor hat when I’m playing with my model trains. Shouting “Toot toot!” doesn’t quite land the same way if I’m not, you know?

Yeah yeah, I know I’ve got to get ready for my interview with Mehdi Hasan, but the thing is that I don’t really need to. Everything I’ve reported about Twitter and government censorship is so self-evident. I laid it all out in those gazillion-tweet Twitter Files threads. All you have to do is slog your way through those while ignoring the thousands of replies pointing out possible mistakes or omissions of context. Simple!

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There's A Pube On Clarence Thomas's Integrity (Again)

Pfffft, Judge Pubes doesn't even LIKE yachtfucking with billionaires in Indonesia anyway, he likes Walmart parking lots.

Conscientious Americans who pay attention to the news know Clarence Thomas is probably the most corrupt and unethical piece of ass lint who ever sat on a Supreme Court throne and stank it up with his linty assfarts. And his wife? Fuuuuuuuuck that crazy batshit nutcase who's on every "OK Boomer" right-wing chain email thread in high-powered Republican Washington.

Did she help behind the scenes in Donald Trump's January 6 Insurrection Attack, and did she bring a crock pot full of Ro-Tel to any planning parties? And how much whispering does she do with her husband when the issues she's doing activism on are ALSO in front of him on the entirely illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court?

But sure, let's pretend Clarence Thomas and Ginni Thomas don't have any ethical issues. They just are a high-powered married Republican couple who happen to both be literal actual fucking monsters. And don't you dare say Ginni Thomas's power may be somewhat derived from the fact that her husband is Clarence Thomas, STOP IT YOU SEXIST.


But anyway, about that ProPublica piece about Clarence Thomas letting a Republican billionaire megadonor take him on mega-luxury yachting suck 'n' fucks around the globe for the past 20 years, without reporting any of these mega-trips as "gifts." Hoo boy! (Obviously we use the term "yachting suck 'n' fucks" in its more proverbial sense. We don't know if anybody literally sucked and fucked on any of those trips, one of which would have cost the justice over $500,000 had he paid for it himself.)

The billionaire megadonor's name is Harlan Crow, and he is a real estate mogul dude from Texas. Clarence Thomas gets to take rides on Harlan's 162-foot superyacht. (Does Clarence Thomas ever say "Harlan, there's a pube on your super-yacht?" Don't know, ProPublica apparently doesn't even know which journalism questions to ask.) Clarence Thomas goes flying on Harlan's private Bombardier Global 5000 jet. ("Harlan, there's a pube on your Bombardier Global 5000 jet!" Has Thomas ever exclaimed that? Probably won't ever know.)

Yachting around Indonesia for nine days in 2019. A river trip in Savannah, Georgia. Another cruise in New Zealand around 10 years ago. And more!

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It's Your Pre-Trump Arraignment Sunday Show Rundown!

The countdown to the mug shot begins now!

As we've said before, Donald Trump has been indicted and is expected to turn himself in for arraignment on Tuesday and the MAGA Industrial Complex has not been taking it well.

Let's check in on the Sunday shows and see how some of them are doing now.

Joe Tacopina Returns!

It seems like only yesterday (or last week) that we reveled in the "brilliant" legalese of Joseph Tacopina, Trump's current attorney and a man who answers the question "What would happen if The Brooklyn Brawler practiced law instead of wrestling?"

This week, Tacopina made dual appearances on CNN's "State Of The Union" and ABC's "This Week," but with similar results. On CNN, when host Dana Bash asked him what we could expect from Trump's return to New York, Tacopina set the expectations low.

TACOPINA: [...] I honestly don't know how this is going to go, hopefully as smoothly as possible, and then we begin the battle to right this wrong, because it's a -- really, it's a day that, in my opinion, the rule of law in the United States has died.

Remember, kids: Showing that no one is above the law is the true death of justice.

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Elon Not Mad At New York Times YOU ARE MAD AT NEW YORK TIMES!

Elon's funtime Twitter follies continue.

If you have a blue checkmark by your name on Twitter, are you a person who matters, or are you some Nazi who borrows eight dollars per month from their mom so they can post hot takes under some kind of name like Poop Cheese?

Elon Musk has decided that no longer should you be able to distinguish between those two types of checkmarks, the people who are notable in their fields, and the people who are stupid enough to give him money.

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