Hi, I'm Matt Taibbi And I Did Not Get Smoked Like A Salmon By Mehdi Hasan, Shut Up.
Elon Musk's mouthpiece does not need to 'prepare' for an 'interview' so people will think he 'knows' what he's 'talking about.'
Bro! Bro! Broooooooooo! Down here, bro!
Yeah yeah, I know I’ve made some changes since you were last down here. I took down the Kyrie Irving poster after the Nets traded him. That old neon Rolling Rock sign finally burned out. I set up this entire Faraday cage so the government can’t get into my computer or scan my brain.
Of course they can. The brain fires off electrical impulses, Faraday cages block electromagnetic interference, ergo the government cannot get in here and read my mind. I’d turn my entire skull into a Faraday cage if I could, but it would probably scare my children. They’re already a little weirded out that I never leave this room without a metal bucket over my head.
The plastic wrap? Keeps out the miniature drones with tranquilizer darts the government keeps trying to send in through the air vents. Smart, huh?
Of course the model train set is still here, but I have added a few things. I made a little park right next to this part of the tracks. That’s Rachel Maddow sitting on the bench talking to her CIA handler.
Also I built a model of CIA headquarters over here and made the trains run right through it. It’s a metaphor for journalism!
What’s that? Bro, I always wear my conductor hat when I’m playing with my model trains. Shouting “Toot toot!” doesn’t quite land the same way if I’m not, you know?
Yeah yeah, I know I’ve got to get ready for my interview with Mehdi Hasan, but the thing is that I don’t really need to. Everything I’ve reported about Twitter and government censorship is so self-evident. I laid it all out in those gazillion-tweet Twitter Files threads. All you have to do is slog your way through those while ignoring the thousands of replies pointing out possible mistakes or omissions of context. Simple!
It’s all so self-evident that if Mehdi challenges me on anything, all I have to do is startle and blink as if I’m shocked that he doesn’t see how obvious the whole conspiracy is, at which point he’ll realize I’m right and he’s wrong.
Later when people on Twitter point out any mistakes I made or anything I might have misinterpreted, I’ll throw out stuff like “Langley-concocted” like if I’m the fourth lead on a Netflix show about a White House aide on the run from CIA assassins sent by high-level government officials engaged in a shadowy conspiracy to kill the president, as shorthand for why the stuff Mehdi's saying is bad.
Sure! Langley-concocted. Mention that Mehdi’s on MSNBC, stuff like that. Then everyone will go, “Whoa, yeah, he is on MSNBC! And also he said ‘Langley-concocted!’ Ergo, Mehdi is part of a government cover-up of the truth!”
No, there isn't any need to back any of that up. What is it you think I do here anyway?
Frankly, Mehdi will probably crumple like an aluminum beer can smashed against a forehead. It’s all that obvious.
Yep, that’s a scale model of Twitter headquarters that the train is running right through. Again, journalism metaphor.
Well, Elon liked it.
No, I don't think this interview is going to amount to much. Like, Mehdi made some crack about my hypocrisy in not being concerned about Twitter’s suppression of free speech in India despite Elon’s avowed hatred of government censorship of social media. Then I offhandedly shot back, “Why don’t you have me on your show then since you're so sure you know what I'll say” like we were negotiating where to have a big fight at recess, and he was like, “Okay!” Which, when you think about it, is the same sort of flippancy that goaded Elon into spending $44 billion to buy Twitter in the first place.
I’m sure that Mehdi won’t call my bluff by being prepared or being a tough interviewer, it’s not as if he’s literally written a New York Times bestseller about how to win arguments through the marshaling of evidence and supporting facts or anything.
No, the Twitter Files weren’t fact-checked by anyone, why would I fact-check anything that is so undeniably obvious to anyone who doesn’t spend all of their time on Twitter, which last I checked was roughly 99 percent of the population?
Listen, I didn’t name my Substack “Racket” for aesthetic reasons, you know.
Yep, that's a model of my house. And that's the florist's van sitting outside that's secretly an FBI monitoring station. Joke's on them though, because Faraday cage.
No, there isn't a real van. I just put that in there because the government would like to be secretly monitoring my exposure of their horrific abuses of power on social media. But see, miniature me in the miniature basement of my miniature house also has a miniature Faraday cage. So the government can set up a listening post in a florist van outside my real house, or the miniature feds can set up a listening post in front of my train-set miniature model house, but either way I'm covered.
Why are you slowly backing away from me?
Hey, one more thing before you go: For the Hasan interview, conductor's hat or no conductor's hat?
Yeah, I've got a baseball cap around here somewhere. It's made out of a Faraday cage too, so double bonus.
[YouTube]
There's A Pube On Clarence Thomas's Integrity (Again)
Pfffft, Judge Pubes doesn't even LIKE yachtfucking with billionaires in Indonesia anyway, he likes Walmart parking lots.
Conscientious Americans who pay attention to the news know Clarence Thomas is probably the most corrupt and unethical piece of ass lint who ever sat on a Supreme Court throne and stank it up with his linty assfarts. And his wife? Fuuuuuuuuck that crazy batshit nutcase who's on every "OK Boomer" right-wing chain email thread in high-powered Republican Washington.
Did she help behind the scenes in Donald Trump's January 6 Insurrection Attack, and did she bring a crock pot full of Ro-Tel to any planning parties? And how much whispering does she do with her husband when the issues she's doing activism on are ALSO in front of him on the entirely illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court?
But sure, let's pretend Clarence Thomas and Ginni Thomas don't have any ethical issues. They just are a high-powered married Republican couple who happen to both be literal actual fucking monsters. And don't you dare say Ginni Thomas's power may be somewhat derived from the fact that her husband is Clarence Thomas, STOP IT YOU SEXIST.
NO IMPROPRIETIES, NO IMPROPRIETIES, YOU ARE THE IMPROPRIETIES!
But anyway, about that ProPublica piece about Clarence Thomas letting a Republican billionaire megadonor take him on mega-luxury yachting suck 'n' fucks around the globe for the past 20 years, without reporting any of these mega-trips as "gifts." Hoo boy! (Obviously we use the term "yachting suck 'n' fucks" in its more proverbial sense. We don't know if anybody literally sucked and fucked on any of those trips, one of which would have cost the justice over $500,000 had he paid for it himself.)
The billionaire megadonor's name is Harlan Crow, and he is a real estate mogul dude from Texas. Clarence Thomas gets to take rides on Harlan's 162-foot superyacht. (Does Clarence Thomas ever say "Harlan, there's a pube on your super-yacht?" Don't know, ProPublica apparently doesn't even know which journalism questions to ask.) Clarence Thomas goes flying on Harlan's private Bombardier Global 5000 jet. ("Harlan, there's a pube on your Bombardier Global 5000 jet!" Has Thomas ever exclaimed that? Probably won't ever know.)
Yachting around Indonesia for nine days in 2019. A river trip in Savannah, Georgia. Another cruise in New Zealand around 10 years ago. And more!
There are so many pictures:
\u201c4/ In June 2019, Thomas boarded Crow's private jet to Indonesia for 9 days of island-hopping on Crow's yacht. \n\nHad Thomas chartered the jet and yacht himself, it could have cost him over $500K.\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778197
ProPublica says Clarence goes all kinds of other fun places with Harlan, like the "all-male retreat" of Bohemian Grove in California. Also all Harlan's houses and resorts.
\u201c7/ The justice has gone with Crow to the Bohemian Grove, the exclusive California all-male retreat, and to Crow\u2019s sprawling Texas ranch.\n\nEvery summer, Thomas typically spends about a week at Camp Topridge, Crow\u2019s private resort in the Adirondacks.\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778197
And Clarence doesn't report any of this as "gift." He used to report this as "gift." But then the LA Times wrote about it and he all of a sudden stopped reporting it as "gift"!
Look, it is a paint-by-numbers portrait of Clarence Thomas sitting with all his friends at Harlan's place in the Adirondacks. Just Clarence, Harlan, Leonard Leo, the POS who runs the Federalist Society. (You know, where the 30-year-old white fascist partisan hack judges come from!)
\u201c8/ Inside Topridge hangs a photorealistic painting of one of Thomas' visits to the 105-acre property in remote upstate NY. \n\nThe painting shows Thomas enjoying a cigar alongside Crow and chatting with other conservative power brokers like Leonard Leo:\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778197
"There's a pube on our integrity!" That would be a good name for that painting. Also, just emphasizing that that is literally a painting that exists.
The ProPublica Twitter thread we're using as the CliffsNotes for this — you know damn well ProPublica's articles are 100,000 words long before you even get out of the prologue — notes that Clarence 'n' Harlan really are buddies, genuine-style, but these trips put him in contact with the biggest of the Republican bigwigs from corporations and think tanks. (See above.) Far be it from us to suggest that any of those men tell Clarence what to do, because again, we're willing to allow for the possibility that he too is just an evil monster just like them. We're not going to say they don't do that, though.
It sounds like a nice private resort, the one that Harlan has and Clarence gets to go to without reporting it.
\u201c10/ At Crow\u2019s invitation-only resort, guests enjoy boathouses, a clay tennis court, batting cage, a replica of Hagrid's hut from Harry Potter, bronze statues of gnomes & milkshakes at a 1950s-style soda fountain.\n\nFor free.\n\nRooms at a nearby resort start at more than $2K/night.\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778197
We're just going to give you a moment to reflect on the man who Clarence Thomas is, sitting at a "1950's-style soda fountain" with all his white fascist friends. Just let that mental image linger for a minute.
Anyway!
Here is a clip a lot of people are loving right now because it's such a hilarious illustration of how hard Clarence Thomas should go fuck himself. It's Thomas in a recent documentary talking about how he doesn't even like traveling abroad, such a simple man is he. He is a salt-of-the-earth guy. He is a rural America guy. He is a guy who likes parking the RV in the Walmart parking lot. (If you are not initiated in RV culture, the Walmart parking lot is a thing with them. Walmart encourages them to just to come on in and park when they need to, and RV people all know this. The editrix of this site and her husband and their kids have done it many times and thought "boy what a smart thing to do Walmart," not even being shitty and ironic. Like we said, it is a thing.)
\u201c2/ Thomas has publicly presented himself as an everyman with modest tastes. \n\nIn this documentary about the justice, he waxes nostalgic about his fondness for Walmart parking lots:\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778197
Who NEEDS free trips on gabillion dollar yachts with Republican bigwigs who definitely have a stake in how Clarence Thomas votes? Not Clarence Thomas! “I prefer the RV parks. I prefer the Walmart parking lots to the beaches and things like that.”
We bet.
But he sure doesn't seem to hate those sexy yachtfucker trips. And for some reason, again, he feels a need to hide them. ProPublica had to learn about all this shit from yacht employees and a scuba diving instructor.
Of course, hiding these free trips is against the fucking law.
\u201c14/ His failure to report the flights appears to violate a federal disclosure law passed after Watergate, according to experts.\n\nBy accepting the trips, Thomas has broken long-standing norms for judges\u2019 conduct, ethics experts and four current or retired federal judges said.\u201d— ProPublica (@ProPublica) 1680778315
Harlan Crow of course swears to Jesus that he ain't never tried to make poor Clarence do nothin' improper. He just loves sharing his yacht and plane with Clarence 'n' Ginni. Clarence Thomas didn't deem these revelations to be worthy of a response. But ProPublica got comments from former federal judges like "It's incomprehensible that someone would do this."
Anyway, if you read the whole story, there are tons more little details that will make your jaw drop. Like this one, a picture of Clarence Thomas swearing in Trump-appointed Fifth Circuit Judge James Ho in Harlan's library, and it looks like maybe Harlan flew Clarence there, and Ted Cruz tweeted this out, and good God this is all so incestuous:
\u201cA detail from our story today: Ted Cruz tweeted this photo of Clarence Thomas swearing in 5th Circuit Judge James Ho. Turns out this is in billionaire Harlan Crow's private library, and flight records show Crow's jet dispatched to DC and back to Dallas before + after this event\u201d— Justin Elliott (@Justin Elliott) 1680788811
Read the entire ProPublica piece when you have time, like maybe when you are summering on YOUR yacht and you're waiting for your new butler to bring you your mid-afternoon fruity drink. (You threw your old butler overboard for failing to cut your lime the way you like. It happens, AMIRITE, JUSTICE THOMAS?)
(We don't mean to imply that Clarence Thomas threw a specific butler overboard into the ocean for failing to cut a lime the way he likes. We are just talking shit.)
Now, in a sane and functional country, Clarence Thomas would be packing up his office and getting the fuck out right now, to save himself the humiliation of being impeached and forcibly removed from the Supreme Court. (Haha, in a sane and functional country, an unqualified right-wing hack like Clarence Thomas would never have been confirmed.)
And Senate Democrats do say they're gonna do something.
Unfortunately, that's as far as it's likely to go, because an unprincipled power-hungry Republican slut named Kevin McCarthy runs the House of Representatives right now. But it's not just that. Click on this thread and read the whole thing to see why:
\u201cI think that may have the problem exactly backwards: Congress' failure to address the problems with the Supreme Court is what has led to a collapse in public trust. Addressing that corruption will be painful, but necessary.\u201d— Max Burns (@Max Burns) 1680802988
"One Democratic House member" told Democratic strategist Max Burns that "Public trust in SC is already bad. A big circus would destroy it completely."
Fuck OFF.
The Court is fully 1,000 percent illegitimate right now, a fascist activist partisan hack organ that only exists to impose the will of a rapidly dying minority of white supremacist Boomers on the rest of us who will have to live in this country once they're all rotting corpses. Donald Trump and his loyal Republican string-pullers made sure of that. The only place the Supreme Court's integrity can go is up.
If the Court is ever to be legitimate again, Thomas should either resign or be pushed out, and Joe Biden should get to select his replacement. And since Trump was an illegitimate president who likely wouldn't have "won" the 2016 election had it not been for his own crimes, the crimes of Russia and whatever was happening at the FBI at the time, and who then incited a terrorist attack as part of his plan to overthrow the government and overturn the 2020 election, his justices should be told gently but firmly to GTFO.
Then pack the Court with only the most brilliant legal minds in America who also happen to be drag queens, trans folks, racial minorities and people who started drinking Bud Light this week.
It is the only way.
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It's Your Pre-Trump Arraignment Sunday Show Rundown!
The countdown to the mug shot begins now!
As we've said before, Donald Trump has been indicted and is expected to turn himself in for arraignment on Tuesday and the MAGA Industrial Complex has not been taking it well.
Let's check in on the Sunday shows and see how some of them are doing now.
Joe Tacopina Returns!
It seems like only yesterday (or last week) that we reveled in the "brilliant" legalese of Joseph Tacopina, Trump's current attorney and a man who answers the question "What would happen if The Brooklyn Brawler practiced law instead of wrestling?"
This week, Tacopina made dual appearances on CNN's "State Of The Union" and ABC's "This Week," but with similar results. On CNN, when host Dana Bash asked him what we could expect from Trump's return to New York, Tacopina set the expectations low.
TACOPINA: [...] I honestly don't know how this is going to go, hopefully as smoothly as possible, and then we begin the battle to right this wrong, because it's a -- really, it's a day that, in my opinion, the rule of law in the United States has died.
Remember, kids: Showing that no one is above the law is the true death of justice.
Tacopina continued his argument from last week that hush money and lying is ok as long as it's from "personal funds" while decrying the perceived injustice inflicted on Trump.
TACOPINA: This is a case of political persecution. [...] had he not been running for presidency, he would not have been indicted.
Mahatma Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and now Donald John Trump. Let us never forget how Gandhi paid hush money to an adult film star or MLK incited an insurrection (twice) or Mandela asked the secretary of state of South Africa to find him the votes to be president!
On ABC, a simple follow-up question caused Tacopina's rhetorical house of cards to collapse.
\u201cTACOPINA: This is something that we believe is a political persecution & I believe people on both sides of the aisle believe that\n\nSTEPHANOPOULOS: What evidence do you have that Democrats see this as political persecution?\n\nTACOPINA: *word salad*\u201d— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1680446019
Trump's Other Trusty Lawyer
On "Fox News Sunday," Trump attorney James Trusty gave a truly hilarious answer when asked about Trump's brilliant unhinged attacks on the judge overseeing his case.
TRUSTY: Well look, the president is a big believer in free speech [...]
Yes, the guy who used pepper spray to clear a peaceful protest so he could take a photo-op and had his White House try to take down a tweet calling him a "pussy ass bitch" is such a free speech champion.
Speaking Of "Free Speech"...
"Fox News Sunday' also had on Trump's former attorney general, William "Pepper Balls" Barr!
Barr hedged his bets but still agreed with the rightwing talking points.
BARR: Based on what we know it certainly appears to be [a political prosecution] and I think the American people see that [...]
That or they are the committed 25 percent who support bigots who receive normalizing Lesley Stahl interviews.
When Shannon Bream asked Barr if he ever felt pressure to bend or ignore the law as attorney general, Barr became a bit defensive, especially at the notion that he was Trump's "toady" (which he was).
BARR: [...] He [Trump] was calling for people's scalps and, from what he said after I left, he was mad at me for not delivering scalps. But the idea that I was a toady was something fostered by the mainstream media and I've...which of his enemies were prosecuted? Who did I use the criminal justice process against? And there's usually crickets. [...]
It may be hard to see or hear them if you pepper spray them. Here's another reminder that Barr was corrupt as hell.
School Shootings? We Need More Guns!
Spirit Halloween Nick Fury, Rep. Dan Crenshaw, appeared on CNN's "State Of The Union" and was asked about the Republican Party's downright nihilistic inaction on gun control.
CRENSHAW: Now, because it's so random and unexpected, it's hard to prevent. And because -- and they seem like they happen a lot, but they're still anomalous events, and they're very difficult to build a pattern behind. [...]
Pushing back, Bash pointed out a very common denominator.
BASH: You said that they're random. The one through line in these deaths is that they are shootings. Therefore, they are done by guns. And guns are the leading cause of death for children and teens in the US. So shouldn't helping save the lives of children be a top priority for you, as a member of the House majority?
Crenshaw suggested the ONLY idea Republicans have for gun violence.
CRENSHAW: No, it absolutely should be, which is why I say I would look to the thing that would absolutely stop this, which is putting armed police officers at every school. [...]
BASH: So...
CRENSHAW: That's a preventive measure. That, I know will stop this. And there was nothing like that in these last few mass shootings. There's no armed guards there.
BASH: So, the answer is more guns?
CRENSHAW: So, if I'm just looking for actual solutions, that would be it.
BASH: So the answer is more guns?
CRENSHAW: No, the answer is armed guards. No, the answer is armed guards, right, armed guards. Yes, more guns [...]
BASH: There were supposed to be armed guards at the schools in both Uvalde in your home state of Texas and Parkland, and that didn't help anything.
Republicans love guns unconditionally ... unless marginalized groups both past and present begin arming themselves due to credible threats and violence. That seems like the only guns they wanna control.
We End On A Lighter Note
Former Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson announced he's running for president on ABC's "This Week" with Jonathan Karl.
Our Prediction:
\u201cAsa Hutchinson\u2019s chances at being the GOP nominee:\u201d— M3Writer (@M3Writer) 1680530149
Have a week.
Elon Not Mad At New York Times YOU ARE MAD AT NEW YORK TIMES!
Elon's funtime Twitter follies continue.
If you have a blue checkmark by your name on Twitter, are you a person who matters, or are you some Nazi who borrows eight dollars per month from their mom so they can post hot takes under some kind of name like Poop Cheese?
Elon Musk has decided that no longer should you be able to distinguish between those two types of checkmarks, the people who are notable in their fields, and the people who are stupid enough to give him money.
\u201cLmao. Another empty promise from Elon, substituted instead with dumb guy \u201cpls like me my dudes\u201d vibes and, ultimately, laziness\u201d— Jared Holt (@Jared Holt) 1680470220
That's right. Now, if you click on a person's blue checkmark, it says that "This account is verified because it's subscribed to Twitter Blue or is a legacy verified account." You know, just one of the options, all of which are EQUALLY VALID, DAMMIT.
Of course, if you still would like to differentiate between the two, either in order to protect yourself from Elon's trolls, or just because you like to make fun of people on Twitter by saying "LOL you paid for Twitter," it appears this Chrome extension still works.
This came after a weekend where supposedly all the "legacy" checkmarks were going to go away starting April 1, and if you wanted to still be "verified" (which is now meaningless) you'd have to give Elon eight dollars. Elon is apparently very stupid and thought that hordes of people would change their minds and decide to start giving him money if he backed them up against a wall juuuust enough. This clearly did not happen, despite how his ideological fellow travelers were pretty sure people would be totally into it.
LeBron and Patrick Mahomes wouldn't do it. Chrissy Teigen said STFU. Jason Isbell said STFU. All those journalists on Twitter, the ones who in the small minds of needy losers like Elon are some kind of gatekeeping blue checkmark mafia that derives its entire reason for being from having a blue checkmark, the ones Elon's fanboys resent so hard? They are saying things like "yeet the fucker," about their blue checkmarks.
The White House wouldn't do it, because of how verification isn't real or meaningful anymore. All it says is "I am a big dumb who buys Elon the equivalent of a meal deal at Mickey Ds every month because he told me too and again because I am a big dumb."
The Washington Post wouldn't do it. And then the New York Times said it wouldn't do it, and wouldn't reimburse its employees for it. (It's more expensive for businesses, of course.) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh that made Elon BIG MAD. So he unverified the New York Times.
Twitter removed the “verified” badge from the New York Times’ main account on Sunday, a move that billionaire owner Elon Musk pushed for overnight after learning that the news organization would not pay for its Twitter Blue service.
MAD BIG MAD.
The move continues Musk’s years-long grudge against U.S. journalists who have reported critically on him, and it will raise the risks of impersonation.
Well yes.
\u201cSeems totally fine.\u201d— Shayan Sardarizadeh (@Shayan Sardarizadeh) 1680507639
It also contradicts an internal plan, first reported by the Times on Thursday, to keep the badges on for the 10,000 most-followed organizations, regardless of whether they paid.
Like on some level they already knew it would be a failure.
The Washington Post says it appears only a "few dozen" accounts have actually lost their checkmarks. The rest have that stupid new message, as if people can't tell the difference, and as if people will ever stop publicly making fun of people who obviously paid for Twitter.
But stop writing in the newspaper that Elon is mad, though, he is not mad:
\u201cAlso, their feed is the Twitter equivalent of diarrhea. It\u2019s unreadable.\n\nThey would have far more real followers if they only posted their top articles. \n\nSame applies to all publications.\u201d— Elon Musk (@Elon Musk) 1680412564
LOL OK. It's almost like he's having an AI write his witty tweets for him. The prompt could be "Write zinger tweets in the voice of an intensely gullible guy with major divorced dad energy who has all the money in the world but still can't get anybody to genuinely like him for who he is."
But don't worry, we're sure Elon's about to make a decision on all this that will make everybody stop laughing at him and finally recognize his brilliance once and for all and even probably make us all sexually attracted to him, too.
For sure.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here
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