Republicans Enter 5 Stages Of Durham Flop Grief. Stage 1: LIE. Stages 2 Through 5: LIE MORE.

Consistency is key.

As the Durham investigation bellyflops over the finish line, the reek of copium is strong in the air. Over at the Wall Street Journal, the editorial board is claiming a moral victory over an FBI that “failed to uphold their important mission of strict fidelity to the law.” That's a quote from Special Counsel John Durham, who failed to cite a single violation of the law by the FBI in his entire 316-page report. Nevertheless, the Journal sniffs that Durham's output is "far more comprehensive than anything issued by original special counsel Robert Mueller" in his piddly 635-page production.

Yes, okay, if you're being technical, Mueller indicted, convicted or secured guilty pleas from 34 people and three companies, while Durham only got one guilty plea after the DOJ's inspector general discovered that a line prosecutor had doctored an email. And, okay, Durham's only two indictments led to rapid jury acquittals. But isn't the whole point of criminal prosecutions getting to say mean shit about your political opponents in your filings without actually having to prove it? Bill Barr has assured us that is the case!

Over at the New York Post, they're taking a performative victory lap around the kiddie pool, claiming that Durham's fapfic novella "proves federal law enforcement was weaponized by shielding the Hillary Clinton campaign and persecuting the Donald Trump campaign."

"Despite the damning evidence, most of the media are treating the Durham report as a 'nothingburger,'" huffs opinion writer James Bovard. "FBI racketeering repeatedly rescued Hillary Clinton."

Because it's fun to say stupid shit for money.

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Conspiracy theories

Oh No, Is The IRS Bullying One Of James Comer's Imaginary Whistlefriends?

Better stop it right now, Jamie Comer gon' git yew!

Oh no, what a saga this is becoming!

One week ago, House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer held a press conference to announce that he had hard evidence that Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country in Exchange for Dollars, and he didn't even resign that day!

It's been rough going since then, and they've had a bit of a hard time communicating the gravity of the situation. Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country for Dollars! Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country for Dollars! Not even Fox News is fully taking this seriously.

And now look what you've done, James Comer has been announcing all week long that the informant and the nine to 10 whistleblowers are either missing or in court or in jail, or maybe he left the back gate open and they got out. Or maybe Joe Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM. Did Joe Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM? If Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM, we're gonna have to add "Biden death count" to his list of impeachable offenses, just after doing Thing with Person in Country for Dollars, Perhaps!

PREVIOUSLY! James Comer NAILS! Biden For Maybe Knowing About Possible Schemes His Family Coulda Done With Perhaps China?

Even Fox News Seems Pretty Sure James Comer And Ron Johnson's Biden Investigations F*ckin' Dumb

Oh No, What Is Joe Biden Doing To James Comer's Informants Who Are Definitely Real And Not Imaginary?

Marjorie Taylor Greene said this week do not worry, for she has heard the prophecies of the informants and the whistleblower, and she has seen the forms, and she has closed her eyes real hard and made really loud "EEEEEEEEEEEEENGGGGGG" sounds like she's on the potty, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENGGGGGGGGGGG, and this has enabled her to determine that the whistleblower is fine, he is just very terrified for his life. We don't know if this is the "informant" or one of the nine or 10 whistleblowers who are in court or in jail or missing, but at least one of them is fine. The others are still in court or in jail or missing.

And now? AND NOW? Will you take it seriously NOW? Comer says he has evidence that the IRS might be blowing his whistlefriend! Or retaliating! Or something like that! It is hard to tell because the breathless letter he released yesterday has no proper nouns or action verbs!

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Conspiracy theories

Elon Musk Has Some Thoughts About This One Jew

Just another very normal evening for the world's richest shitposter.

Billionaire shitposter and waste of perfectly good atoms Elon Musk has a clear moral outlook, which is that Elon Musk is the smartest person who ever lived and therefore just about the most important person on Planet Earth. Ergo, anything that's good for Elon Musk is good for the world, while anything that's bad for Elon Musk is bad for the world. So it stands to reason that Musk would be awfully peeved after news broke that billionaire investor George Soros sold off all of his stock in Tesla, the electric car company Musk owns and occasionally gives thought to when he's not trying to make everyone on Twitter love him.

The most likely explanation for Soros's decision is that he'd bought lots of Tesla shares when the stock price was in freefall last year, and saw an opportunity to take some profits when the company's stock rebounded in the first quarter of this year. (Good call, too, since Tesla shares have fallen 11 percent in the last month.) The most likely explanation to Musk, apparently, is that Soros is a comic book supervillain.

Last night, with no context at all, Musk tweeted, "Soros reminds me of Magneto," a reference to the mutant Marvel nemesis of the Wolverine-Men. Because Twitter's algorithm has been janked to goose the Great Thinker's tweets, the tweet has been viewed well over 28 million times as I write this, and probably that'll be well over 35 million by the time I write another couple paragraphs. Update: Just after this post went up, it was already into long-tail territory, and still only at 30 million views. Never trust Wonkette!

That's not just comic-book nerdery of course, because George Soros is the go-to bad guy for whatever bug is up rightwingers' asses, with the HE'S A JEW!!!! part right out loud or comfortably left in the background, because antisemitic hate is kind of a given with references to how George Soros controls American and world politics somehow. At this point there might be two or three rightwingers out there who don't know that "Soros" is a stand-in for "The Jews control everything," but there's no way in the multiverse that Elon Goddamn Musk is unaware of that.

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Conspiracy theories

Marjorie Taylor Greene Found The Whistleblower But Shhhhhhh They're Hiding, BE VERY AFRAID, JOE BIDEN!

But also they are very scared.

Well, we guess that was only a matter of time, before all our jokes came back to bite us. Just yesterday, we were making fun of House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer going on TV this weekend and telling Maria Bartiromo his anti-Joe Biden informant had gone missing, but he weren't worried, because the informant were in the "spy business" and you know how them spy types are, now you see 'em, WAIT WHAR YOU GO?

Moreover nine out of the 10 people they knew/knew of who knew things — what things? THE THINGS — about Joe Biden were either in court or in jail or entirely missing, which rendered all of them unavailable. Who among us hasn't found ourselves suddenly in court or in jail or entirely missing? But they fear for their LAAAAAAAH-VES, said Comer to Bartiromo, who believed him.

PREVIOUSLY! Oh No, What Is Joe Biden Doing To James Comer's Informants Who Are Definitely Real And Not Imaginary?

But at the end of that post, we had a tweet from Marjorie Taylor Greene that she sent on Sunday night, where she said "Just to be clear. Our whistle blower for Joe Biden is not missing." And that is who our information today is from, it is from Marjorie Taylor Greene, known in many esteemed circles as The Information Haver.

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