Republicans Enter 5 Stages Of Durham Flop Grief. Stage 1: LIE. Stages 2 Through 5: LIE MORE.
Consistency is key.
As the Durham investigation bellyflops over the finish line, the reek of copium is strong in the air. Over at the Wall Street Journal, the editorial board is claiming a moral victory over an FBI that “failed to uphold their important mission of strict fidelity to the law.” That's a quote from Special Counsel John Durham, who failed to cite a single violation of the law by the FBI in his entire 316-page report. Nevertheless, the Journal sniffs that Durham's output is "far more comprehensive than anything issued by original special counsel Robert Mueller" in his piddly 635-page production.
Yes, okay, if you're being technical, Mueller indicted, convicted or secured guilty pleas from 34 people and three companies, while Durham only got one guilty plea after the DOJ's inspector general discovered that a line prosecutor had doctored an email. And, okay, Durham's only two indictments led to rapid jury acquittals. But isn't the whole point of criminal prosecutions getting to say mean shit about your political opponents in your filings without actually having to prove it? Bill Barr has assured us that is the case!
Over at the New York Post, they're taking a performative victory lap around the kiddie pool, claiming that Durham's fapfic novella "proves federal law enforcement was weaponized by shielding the Hillary Clinton campaign and persecuting the Donald Trump campaign."
"Despite the damning evidence, most of the media are treating the Durham report as a 'nothingburger,'" huffs opinion writer James Bovard. "FBI racketeering repeatedly rescued Hillary Clinton."
Because it's fun to say stupid shit for money.
In 2019, Attorney General Bill Barr tasked federal prosecutor John Durham with finding proof that the investigation into connections between Trump's 2016 campaign and Russian election interference operations were part of a dastardly Deep State plot. MAGAworld rejoiced, sure that mass arrests were soon to follow. Even as late as 2021, former Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe was promising Maria Bartiromo "many indictments" from Durham's investigation.
But it's a tough sell to prove that it was illegal to investigate a campaign where the candidate called for Russia to hack his opponent, his son met with a Kremlin lawyer promising Russian dirt, the campaign manager passed polling data to a Russian spy, a campaign operative bragged that Russia was going to dump damaging info to help the campaign, and then Russia actually did hack his opponent and strategically dumped the data. So after a year of playing hokey pokey with himself, plus six months of flying around Europe trying and failing to get the Italians and the Brits to put one in and shake it all about with him — left or right, Johnboy's not picky! — Durham pivoted to trying to pin it on Hillary Clinton.
What if she masterminded a plot to get the FBI to investigate Trump?
She didn't. But what if she had? Wouldn't that be something? Over at Who Funds the Federalist, they're going with the drunk history version and calling it a day.
\u201c"I have a hard time looking at this [Durham report] and coming to any other conclusion than that the FBI has to be defunded, because this wasn\u2019t one or two rogue agents. This happened from the very top." @FDRLST CEO @seanmdav\u201d— The Federalist (@The Federalist) 1684198755
In reality, Durham came up empty and had to content himself with pretending that the FBI was super mean to Trump because it opened a full investigation into him and didn't go balls to the wall on a Russian rumor that Clinton was out to get Trump by saying he was colluding with a foreign power. Never mind that James Comey was blabbing every damn day about Hillary's stupid emails. Also, HOW MANY TIMES DID TRUMP TALK ABOUT THAT BULLSHIT URANIUM ONE STORY?
This leaves congressional Republicans in a bit of a pickle. They've been promising their supporters for years that Durham would rain down righteous vengeance on Hillary and the Deep State, and now they have to go home and admit that, after four years controlling the White House and the DOJ, it's not happening.
Nothing for it but to return to first principles!
That's right, they're gonna lie their asses off.
\u201cI\u2019ve never been a reactive \u201clock \u2018em up\u201d type. But this Durham report is a lock \u2018em up moment. We should be looking for statutes that apply to these egregious violations of public trust. If they don\u2019t exist, it\u2019s time we create them so it never happens again.\u201d— Dan Crenshaw (@Dan Crenshaw) 1684286425
Golly, if only someone with the power to issue an arrest warrant were on the case! Or if not, maybe the congressman knows someone whose actual job it is to write laws so he can address this very real and pressing issue!
Note that Dan Crenshaw is not looking to create new statutes to stop a sitting president from inciting a coup. But that sounds positively reasonable compared to Tommy Tuberville, the guy who managed to make Jefferson Butterbeans Stars-n-Bars Sessions seems smart by comparison.
\u201cSen. Tommy Tuberville (R-AL) tries to sell the Durham FBI report about the Trump-Russia investigation as a smoking gun:\n\n\u201cIf people don\u2019t go to jail for this, the American people should just stand up and say, \u2018Listen, enough\u2019s enough. Let\u2019s don\u2019t have elections anymore.\u2019\u201d\u201d— The Recount (@The Recount) 1684260175
"I can’t even talk about it. You know, it’s so bad," the senator complained to Newsmax's John Bachman. "But if people don’t go to jail for this, American people should just stand up and say, 'Listen, enough’s enough. Let’s don’t have elections anymore.'”
Because if we can't jail our political enemies, then what even is the point of democracy?
And now, having added the Durham complaint to the endless list of grievances the GOP base believes it has suffered, they'll all move on to the next gay Disney character or mixed race cereal mascot. Always be hustling!
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Oh No, Is The IRS Bullying One Of James Comer's Imaginary Whistlefriends?
Better stop it right now, Jamie Comer gon' git yew!
Oh no, what a saga this is becoming!
One week ago, House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer held a press conference to announce that he had hard evidence that Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country in Exchange for Dollars, and he didn't even resign that day!
It's been rough going since then, and they've had a bit of a hard time communicating the gravity of the situation. Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country for Dollars! Joe Biden may have done Thing with Person in Country for Dollars! Not even Fox News is fully taking this seriously.
And now look what you've done, James Comer has been announcing all week long that the informant and the nine to 10 whistleblowers are either missing or in court or in jail, or maybe he left the back gate open and they got out. Or maybe Joe Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM. Did Joe Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM? If Biden DID SOMETHIN' TO 'EM, we're gonna have to add "Biden death count" to his list of impeachable offenses, just after doing Thing with Person in Country for Dollars, Perhaps!
PREVIOUSLY! James Comer NAILS! Biden For Maybe Knowing About Possible Schemes His Family Coulda Done With Perhaps China?
Even Fox News Seems Pretty Sure James Comer And Ron Johnson's Biden Investigations F*ckin' Dumb
Marjorie Taylor Greene said this week do not worry, for she has heard the prophecies of the informants and the whistleblower, and she has seen the forms, and she has closed her eyes real hard and made really loud "EEEEEEEEEEEEENGGGGGG" sounds like she's on the potty, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENGGGGGGGGGGG, and this has enabled her to determine that the whistleblower is fine, he is just very terrified for his life. We don't know if this is the "informant" or one of the nine or 10 whistleblowers who are in court or in jail or missing, but at least one of them is fine. The others are still in court or in jail or missing.
And now? AND NOW? Will you take it seriously NOW? Comer says he has evidence that the IRS might be blowing his whistlefriend! Or retaliating! Or something like that! It is hard to tell because the breathless letter he released yesterday has no proper nouns or action verbs!
\u201c\ud83d\udea8 We now have learned that the federal government once again may be abusing its power to retaliate against a whistleblower who alleges the Biden Admin is obstructing justice by blocking efforts to charge Hunter Biden for federal violations.\n\nRead\ud83d\udc47\nhttps://t.co/w0UsRJKkjV\u201d— Rep. James Comer (@Rep. James Comer) 1684263712
Comer places his dumpy little man paw on the Holy Bible and does hereby swear to baby Jesus that the IRS is RETALIATING agin' a whistleblower what says the DOJ might perhaps may be preventing the feds from charging Hunter Biden for CRIMES.
“On the same day that the Durham Report exposed how the federal government weaponized its power to advance the Russia collusion hoax,
On the same day John Durham performatively gave his own mustache a handjob and released a report that said absolutely none of what James Comer says it said, yes?
we now have learned that the federal government once again may be abusing its power to retaliate against a whistleblower who alleges the Biden Administration is obstructing justice by blocking efforts to charge Hunter Biden for federal violations."
Once again may be! What are they MAY BE ONCE AGAIN doing?
Jamie Comer cannot tell you, they are bein' too bad for him to say it out loud!
"Congress must thoroughly investigate this alleged retaliation and hold accountable those in the Biden Administration who are covering up any crimes committed by the President’s son.
"It’s clear from the House Oversight Committee’s investigation that Hunter and other members of the Biden family engaged in deceptive, shady business schemes to avoid scrutiny as they made millions from countries like China and Romania."
Countries LIKE China and Romania! We don't know yet how these countries are LIKE China and Romania, but maybe they have similar food or climates!
"The Oversight Committee will continue to pursue our investigation into the Biden family’s business schemes to determine if President Biden and our national security are compromised. Americans demand answers, transparency, and accountability.”
UH OH BIDEN! Jamie Comer is still hot on yer trail, and he's got a whole gunnysack full of spare banjo picks, JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE JANGLE BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO, he's playin' yer tune! He's gon' git yew! Gon' git yew! He's gon' git yew!
Comer also presumably did that nervous quick-breathing giggle thing he does when he knows he's hot on the trail of Hunter Biden as he sent this tweet yesterday disabusing MSNBC watchers (he doesn't watch it) of their sick fantasies about one of the whistleblowers being missing.
\u201cI do not watch @MSNBC but apparently they\u2019ve been running stories saying the Grassley whistleblower is missing? \n\nI\u2019m sorry to disappoint the liberal defenders of taking bribes for cash, but the Grassley whistleblower is alive and well. \n\nIt\u2019s been a bad week for the Fake News!\ud83d\ude02\u201d— Rep. James Comer (@Rep. James Comer) 1684266428
Where'd they get that idea? (It was from James Comer.) It weren't from James Comer! (It was from James Comer.) Sorry to disappoint the liberal defenders of taking bribes for cash! (Comer's been on TV bleating like a country fried goat about the informant and/or nine to 10 whistleblowers being in court, in jail, or unfortunately missing.)
Bad week for the fake news! Laughin' 'til I'm cryin' emoji! Deliverance banjo, Deliverance banjo, STRUMMMMMMMMMMM.
James Comer gon' git yew.
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Elon Musk Has Some Thoughts About This One Jew
Just another very normal evening for the world's richest shitposter.
Billionaire shitposter and waste of perfectly good atoms Elon Musk has a clear moral outlook, which is that Elon Musk is the smartest person who ever lived and therefore just about the most important person on Planet Earth. Ergo, anything that's good for Elon Musk is good for the world, while anything that's bad for Elon Musk is bad for the world. So it stands to reason that Musk would be awfully peeved after news broke that billionaire investor George Soros sold off all of his stock in Tesla, the electric car company Musk owns and occasionally gives thought to when he's not trying to make everyone on Twitter love him.
The most likely explanation for Soros's decision is that he'd bought lots of Tesla shares when the stock price was in freefall last year, and saw an opportunity to take some profits when the company's stock rebounded in the first quarter of this year. (Good call, too, since Tesla shares have fallen 11 percent in the last month.) The most likely explanation to Musk, apparently, is that Soros is a comic book supervillain.
Last night, with no context at all, Musk tweeted, "Soros reminds me of Magneto," a reference to the mutant Marvel nemesis of the Wolverine-Men. Because Twitter's algorithm has been janked to goose the Great Thinker's tweets, the tweet has been viewed well over 28 million times as I write this, and probably that'll be well over 35 million by the time I write another couple paragraphs. Update: Just after this post went up, it was already into long-tail territory, and still only at 30 million views. Never trust Wonkette!
That's not just comic-book nerdery of course, because George Soros is the go-to bad guy for whatever bug is up rightwingers' asses, with the HE'S A JEW!!!! part right out loud or comfortably left in the background, because antisemitic hate is kind of a given with references to how George Soros controls American and world politics somehow. At this point there might be two or three rightwingers out there who don't know that "Soros" is a stand-in for "The Jews control everything," but there's no way in the multiverse that Elon Goddamn Musk is unaware of that.
Brian Krassenstein, a guy on Twitter, pointed out to Musk that part of what makes Magneto an interesting supervillain is his backstory:
Fun fact: Magneto's experiences during the Holocaust as a survivor shaped his perspective as well as his depth and empathy. Soros, also a Holocaust survivor, get's attacked nonstop for his good intentions which some Americans think are bad merely because they disagree with this political affiliations.
To expand that for non-geeks, Magneto's experiences as a Jewish Holocaust survivor who saw his community wiped out convinced him that humans intended to commit genocide against superpowered mutant persons, and needed to be stopped by any means necessary. (Yes, that's an oversimplification, we know he can also be seen as an antihero and also has helped the X-Files Mans on occasion.) We'd also add that part of the rightwing hate focused on Soros is straight out of Russian propaganda, because he supported the democratic movement in Ukraine that ousted Putin's buddy Viktor Yanukovych. He's also regularly the target of smears from Hungary's Viktor Orban.
Musk, who apparently lacks the knack for subtlety that even comic superhero stories can manage, replied that no, Soros may actually be worse than the fictional Magneto:
You assume they are good intentions. They are not. He wants to erode the very fabric of civilization. Soros hates humanity.
So yeah, that's certainly how evil cartoon supervillains behave: They literally hate humanity and want to destroy civilization, because they're just plain evil, and you're a fool if you believe they have good intentions. We don't actually know of any real human beings who sought to end the world or destroy all civilization (even modern avatars of evil like Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot had definable political objectives other than "I hate humanity"). But sure, George Soros seeks to ruin everything, if you're a fucking antisemitic idiot who believes in conspiracy stories, which are also generally less plausible than many comic book plots.
There were a few souls who asked Musk just what the hell he was slobbering about this time, like former US Ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul, who doesn't believe in nonmetaphorical ghosts:
\u201c@elonmusk @krassenstein What data support this hypothesis? In the post communist world Soros has invested heavily in supporting civil society, the very people trying rebuild humanity after decades of communist inhumanity. (I\u2019m not an expert on his activities in other places.)\u201d— Elon Musk (@Elon Musk) 1684202551
What data support this hypothesis? In the post communist world Soros has invested heavily in supporting civil society, the very people trying rebuild humanity after decades of communist inhumanity. (I’m not an expert on his activities in other places.)
And then the Fox News addicts were all up in the replies with the news of how Soros has funded all the crime by sometimes supporting the campaigns of reformist district attorneys. Why? Because he loves criminals, as any supervillain does, duh. And the usual Musk-humping dipshits showed up to explain that anyone questioning Musk is clearly under the influence of George Soros's mind control, another prominent feature of superhero narratives.
Also too, for further context, some smartass went and pointed out that it's pretty weird that Musk is so frightened of the supposed world-changing influence of a guy who, sure, is a billionaire, but whose net worth ($6.7 billion) is a fraction not only of Musk's net worth ($176.9 billion, depending on what he's tweeting), but also a fraction of the $44 billion Musk paid to buy Twitter:
\u201cThe first guy is saying the second guy is too powerful\u201d— Thor Benson (@Thor Benson) 1684206585
Also also Musk last night went even more full on racist than usual, tweeting his approval of posts claiming that Black people are inexplicably violent and shouldn't be allowed to star in streaming series, the end.
[Forbes / Daily Beast / The Street]
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Marjorie Taylor Greene Found The Whistleblower But Shhhhhhh They're Hiding, BE VERY AFRAID, JOE BIDEN!
But also they are very scared.
Well, we guess that was only a matter of time, before all our jokes came back to bite us. Just yesterday, we were making fun of House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer going on TV this weekend and telling Maria Bartiromo his anti-Joe Biden informant had gone missing, but he weren't worried, because the informant were in the "spy business" and you know how them spy types are, now you see 'em, WAIT WHAR YOU GO?
Moreover nine out of the 10 people they knew/knew of who knew things — what things? THE THINGS — about Joe Biden were either in court or in jail or entirely missing, which rendered all of them unavailable. Who among us hasn't found ourselves suddenly in court or in jail or entirely missing? But they fear for their LAAAAAAAH-VES, said Comer to Bartiromo, who believed him.
PREVIOUSLY! Oh No, What Is Joe Biden Doing To James Comer's Informants Who Are Definitely Real And Not Imaginary?
But at the end of that post, we had a tweet from Marjorie Taylor Greene that she sent on Sunday night, where she said "Just to be clear. Our whistle blower for Joe Biden is not missing." And that is who our information today is from, it is from Marjorie Taylor Greene, known in many esteemed circles as The Information Haver.
\u201cThe whistleblower that led us to the evidence of crimes directly implicating Joe Biden is safe, but does fear for his life.\n\nThis will bring down the President of the United States.\n\nI\u2019m headed back to the Treasury Department today to review additional Biden Family SARs reports.\u201d— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8 (@Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8) 1684170147
Greene explained the things on Steve Bannon's podcast, because that is where the things get explained. She said don't worry, the whistleblower is safe (NOT MISSING) but they are very skeered, therefore you cannot meet them. But rest assured "THIS WILL BRING DOWN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES."
And she said she was going back to the Treasury Department to read more "reports" yesterday.
"Our whistleblower that brought us evidence that leads directly to Joe Biden, that Joe Biden took a payment from a foreign national in exchange for foreign policy favors, that whistleblower is not lost and they are safe, but they do fear for their lives." She says Senator Chuck Grassley found this whistleblower, and Grassley is a very together guy with a good brain, so we can probably rest assured this whistleblower is definitely not a stray goat that talked to Grassley at the Iowa State Fair.
We continue to love that one of the main facts of this case, a detail upon which it hinges, is that Joe Biden, then the vice president, took a bribe and directed US foreign policy in exchange. You know, how vice presidents do.
Then she repeated James Comer's line about how the other people who know about the things are either in court, in jail or missing, because we guess they are all very smart people who got together and agreed that line made sense.
"This is a very real situation that we're talking about" — oh for sure yes! — "and our investigation is so important, Steve, that this will bring down the president of the United States." Certainly!
They have a whistleblower who has evidence that Joe Biden did a thing with a guy at a time! MTG seen it with her own eyes, on the forms!
Greene dropped an important person investigation update before they went in to the Treasury Department to look at the forms. "These reports have been here for years, and they extend for quite a few years, multiple administrations, and no one's done a thing." But Marjorie Taylor Greene is going to do a thing. As soon as she is done reading this 2,300 pages with her magnifying glass and her special seeing stones that allow her to translate the ancient Biden secrets.
\u201cToday, I\u2019m back at the Treasury Department reviewing more Biden Family Suspicious Activity Reports.\n\nThousands of pages\u2026\u201d— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8 (@Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene\ud83c\uddfa\ud83c\uddf8) 1684175131
Exactly.
And in related news, world historical dumbfuck Republican Senator Ron Johnson, who has been having his own very serious difficulties explaining these very serious allegations without getting laughed at by everyone, had a very hard time getting Trump economy lunatic Larry Kudlow to not laugh at him on Fox Business yesterday.
\u201ceven Larry Kudlow is pressing Ron Johnson about not having the goods on President Biden. Johnson replies by making a case that the lack of evidence is actually evidence of Biden's criminality.\u201d— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1684182150
Kudlow said, correctly, that "Biden himself as vice president and maybe president has not yet been clearly fingered." Also, "we really haven't fingered him." And he didn't mean in a gross way! He just kept saying "fingered" and "Biden" over and over again. He said it seems to him that without actual evidence against Joe Biden, "that's gonna leave a very big missing link."
You think?
And Johnson continued with his argument he apparently came up with all by himself, that it's totally normal that they won't have evidence, because that's what criminals are always covering up! The other day he argued that there would have to be a good amount of INFERRING, which is definitely what presidential impeachments and resignations are built from. Lots of INFERRINGS.
"You've gotta pick up one piece of evidence and try and follow that thread to the next piece. And again when you've got a complicit and corrupt media that won't report the TRUTH that shows, in terms of all the evidence we already DO know of the corruption of the Biden family, but we still elected this guy president, and they're still covering up for him. It's a real issue."
Uh huh.
OK, well these people are still all just doing a flawless job and we will continue to pray for them.
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