justice department

Big Pornstache John Durham Had One Job. He Failed Miserably.

It's cool, MAGA leaders know they can lie because their followers are too stupid to read it for themselves.

John Durham was hired by then-Attorney General and former Trump fellater Bill Barr to come up with an alternate drunk history to the Trump-Russia scandal, an imaginary Alice In Wonderland narrative where Hillary Clinton curiously colluded with Russia to steal the election from herself, and then framed Trump and Russia for the crime, in order to ruin the presidency she helped Russia give him.

He was supposed to indict people! He was supposed to find the people who created the real conspiracy! You know, after the Mueller investigation and the then-Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee found that the Trump-Russia collusion thing was insanely real, and as the Department of Justice inspector general affirmed, the investigation was started properly and for the right reasons.

Durham was supposed to start with the opposite conclusion, then work backward and scare up some "evidence." He failed.

A while back, Matthew Gertz from Media Matters tweeted this handy list of the conspiracies Durham was supposed to find:

Durham's report is out. His investigation has ended with a dribble, like a left-behind droplet of drying jizz from a person who died trying to cum one last time, and that dribble is his report.

Ohhhhh, he wails, the FBI's actions were "seriously deficient." He laments the "severe reputational harm" the FBI has suffered. He caterwauls like a wounded cow about the Steele Dossier throughout the 316-page report.

Nobody went to jail as a result of Durham's investigation. He indicted two low-level no-names nobody had ever heard of and both juries came back immediately and did the universal sign of "wank motion dot gif" at him. The other one was a guilty plea from a former FBI lawyer over slightly changing an email, which resulted in a slap on the wrist.

Here, enjoy Democratic Rep. James McGovern ripping Republican Rep. Andy Biggs a new asshole about what a waste of time the Durham investigation was, just yesterday. It's an efficient laundry list:

Biggs wanted to talk about the Durham report, because it had just come out. McGovern was like LOL fuck yeah, let's do it.

McGovern's list:

Trump campaign convictions and/or guilty pleas from the Mueller investigation and elsewhere: Campaign manager, deputy campaign manager, fundraiser, chief strategist, national security advisor, two foreign policy advisers, personal lawyer, accountant. He's charged with 34 felony counts (so far) and a jury just said he's a sexual abuser. Robert Mueller indicted 25 Russian nationals for the attack on the 2016 election.

Durham Report: No new indictments. Those two acquitted pissants. That other guy, what's his name?

Thing is, we knew Durham's investigation was a hopelessly corrupt piece of shit waste of America's fucking time.

We've known it for a long time.


Did Durham Reveal Anything New And Groundbreaking And TOTAL EXONERATION OF TRUMP?


Really, he didn't really cover any new ground that wasn't in the 2019 Justice Department inspector general report on the Trump/Russia ("Crossfire Hurricane") investigation, which was almost 200 pages longer, and which, if you bothered to read it, debunked every dementia hallucination Donald Trump ever had about the alleged witch hunt against him. It said there was no Deep State plot against Trump, the Russia investigation was opened for completely correct and non-politically-biased reasons, spying did not occur, Bill Barr, and aside from a few fuckups with Carter Page's FISA applications, everything was on the up-and-up.

LIKE SO: IG Report Takes 476 Pages To Destroy Every Conspiracy Theory In Trump's Stupid Leaking Brain

Recommendations? Durham has like one, and it is to make a new job at the FBI that oversees investigations that are politically sensitive. Okeydoke. "Constructive criticisms" weren't really part of what Durham was tasked with, though. Hard to blame him for Christmas-treeing that section of the report.

In response, FBI Director Chris Wray said the FBI has implemented a ton of changes that were recommended in the IG report. Thanks, though.

So What Did Johnny Pornstache Spend 316 Pages Bitching About Then?

Some of the biggest whines in the report are about the "disparate treatment" between how the FBI handled the Clinton and Trump campaigns. And no, not the actual disparate treatment, where the FBI announced Hillary Clinton was a felony emailer a week before the election while staying zip-lipped about the Trump investigation. A different "disparate treatment."

Starting around page 68, Durham details how his investigation learned the FBI handled information about alleged foreign interference targeted at the Clinton campaign, and sought to figure out if they looked at it the same way they looked at evidence of interference in the Trump campaign. It particularly complains that the FBI didn't give the Trump campaign defensive briefings the way it gave them to the Clinton campaign, when evidence of foreign interference started to show up.

For instance, that time when Trump campaign stooge George Papadopoulos drunk-barfed on an Australian diplomat that the Russians were about to fuck Hillary up with hacked emails — the event that kicked off the FBI's full investigation into the Trump campaign. (And the Russians did indeed start fucking Hillary up with hacked emails, just like Pap said they would!)

Durham appears to find it confusing that the FBI didn't defensively brief the Trump campaign. We find it confusing that Durham finds it confusing.

There was no reason to suspect Clinton’s campaign and associates were conspiring with an enemy state, whereas reasons to suspect that with Trump were showing up every day. One candidate was asking the enemy nation currently carrying out the attack on the election to attack the election more ("Russia if you're listening"). The other wasn't. One candidate was negotiating in secret with that same government to build a tacky skyscraper in their capital city. The other wasn't. And so on.

Yes it is a conundrum.

Of course, we learned earlier this year that just before the IG report came out, Durham and Bill Barr lobbied the inspector general to take out the part about how the opening of the investigation was appropriately predicated. When he told them to fuck off, they came up with their own plan to undermine the IG's report.

INDEED! We Read All 284 Pages Of BuzzFeed's Trump Tower Moscow Documents, And Now We Hate Everybody In This Story

All of this has been hashed out several times, which is unsurprising, since Durham was literally hired to waste valuable years of his emptying hourglass of life fucking a dead chicken.

The inspector general report addressed the FBI's reluctance give the Trump campaign defensive briefings to let them know their campaign was crawling with Russian influencers. Bill Priestap, who was then the counterintel chief at the FBI, ultimately decided that "if someone on the campaign was engaged with the Russians, he/she would very likely change his/her tactics and/or otherwise seek to cover-up his/her activities, thereby preventing us from finding the truth."

Perhaps if John Durham had spent a little more time watching "Law & Order: SVU" reruns on the USA network and a little less time cultivating prayer gardens up inside Donald Trump's ass, he'd know that in the criminal justice system, we treat "suspects" differently from how we treat "victims."

There was no reasonable suspicion Hillary Clinton's campaign was in bed with the Russians, and there's no evidence of it now, despite what empty windsocks like Marsha Blackburn are saying on the news this morning. The Russians were in the process of attacking the 2016 election for the benefit of Donald Trump and to specifically hurt Hillary Clinton's campaign. It stands to reason that the FBI would treat the two differently.

It's funny, obviously, because Rudy Giuliani's trash friends in the FBI New York office actually did want to sell out the country to Russia for Trump's benefit and may have been doing more to undermine the FBI's investigation into Trump than we ever knew.

It's also funny because really? James Comey spent the last month of the 2016 election season blabbermouthing to anybody who would listen that there were new BUT HER EMAILS, but she got preferential treatment from the FBI?

Go fuck yourself, Mustache McFaceHair.

But, But, But! Maybe Hillary Clinton Was Colluding With Russia To Frame Russia For Colluding With Trump To Steal The Election From Herself And Make It Look Like Russia Was Stealing It From Her!

Speaking of fucking dead chickens.

Specifically Durham harped on something called the Clinton Plan, which is the thing former dumb fucking Trump hack acting DNI John Ratcliffe immediately declassified the second his dirty paws got access to our nation's most closely guarded intelligence, just before the 2020 election.

If you remember, it was unverified Russian chatter from 2016, of Russian intelligence saying that actually Hillary Clinton invented the Deep State Russia Witch Hoax against Trump in her Pizzagate basement, in order to distract from her Hotmail account.

In Ratcliffe's letter at the time, he allowed — because he had to — that the American intelligence community didn't know the veracity of it, but he declassified it all the same. Why? You know why.

It was a goddamn joke when the FBI intercepted it, it was a goddamn joke when Ratcliffe declassified it, and it's a goddamn joke that John Durham's trifling ass is forcing us to talk about it right now.

But sure, Jan.

If The Durham Report Is A Total Limp Dick, Just Lie About What's In It!

When the IG report came out, Barr and Trump and other right-wingers whined and whined and threw tantrums, because it didn't match up with the paint they'd been huffing about the REAL secrets that would be revealed. Even Durham released his own snitty-ass whiny ass titty baby statement telling the IG how to do his job in an investigation that had jackshit to do with him.

This time? The result isn't actually any better for them, because Durham didn't find shit and his longwinded investigation will be nothing more than a skidmark in the history books. But this time they have simply decided to lie, just like Bill Barr led them to do at the end of the Mueller investigation.

This time, they are all over the news and on Twitter claiming TOTAL EXONERATION! and that the report PROVES! that the Trump/Russia investigation was a conspiracy witch hunt started for political reasons, and that Trump was totally innocent, and Hillary stole the election from herself, and everything Fox News ever said was true.

They're doing this because they know one thing with 100 percent certainty, and it is that the illiterate rodents who follow them will never read the report for themselves, even when they provide the link. They are guffawing at each other about a report they have not read, and wouldn't understand if they tried. And when they provide screenshots where Durham literally writes that the conspiracy theory about Hillary inventing the Trump/Russia collusion narrative came from Russian intelligence, their MAGA piglets swallow it whole, because that's how well MAGA piglets are trained.

Here's an example of that genre:

That's where we are.

You can verify for yourself whether our read of this is correct, or you can just lap up whatever Republicans are pouring into your bowl.

In summary and in conclusion, we don't know what CNN chief Chris Licht is paying Jake Tapper to regurgitate this absolute toilet bowl full of shit lies here, but he goddamn knows better.

The end.

[The crust John Durham found in his pornstache AKA his report]

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George Santos Can't Believe The Nerve Of You People

Absolutely Fabulist.

George Santos, the New York millionaire philanthropist and inventor whose rescue from Gilligan's Island led to a successful run for Congress, was charged on 13 counts in federal court yesterday because he is the victim of the biggest witch hunt ever, like even worse than the one that falsely accused Donald Trump of all the crap he actually did. The indictments against him may really get in the way of his plans to fly his rocket car into the Eighth Dimension, because while he's on bail, he's been ordered to restrict his movements to New York City, Long Island, and Washington DC unless he gets specific permission from pretrial services or a written note from Jeff Goldblum. We really don't understand the judicial system anymore.

Santos was charged by the Justice Department with seven counts of wire fraud and three counts of money laundering in a scheme where he told donors they were giving to his political campaign, but the money actually went straight to Santos, which is fraudy. He also caught two counts for making false statements to the House of Representatives, for lying on his financial disclosure statements. Finally, and hilariously, Santos was charged with "theft of public funds" for having collected unemployment payments during the pandemic, when he was also fully employed by one of the few real-life businesses he actually worked for.

At his arraignment in New York yesterday, Santos pleaded "not guilty" to everything and managed not to ask Judge Joanna Seybert if she's interested in buying a time share vacation home which is surprisingly affordable. He was released on a half-million dollar bond that was put up partly by his father and partly by two other parties who want to remain anonymous, according to Santos's lawyer, because they fear retaliation. Or perhaps embarrassment.

Keep reading...Show less

If We Were Trump, We'd Be Sh*tting Our Big Ugly Golf Pants Over Jack Smith's Investigation Right About Now

Donald Trump's last 24 hours seem pretty neat.

Donald Trump is in Ireland doing lazy ass shit probably, don't know, don't care, but he's been real unhappy with how things have been going with E. Jean Carroll's civil rape trial against him back in New York. So he got all cranky with reporters on his golf course over there yesterday and started blabbering for four solid minutes about how "I’m going to go back [to New York] and I’m going to confront this woman. This woman is a disgrace." You betcha. He said he's cutting his trip short. He doesn't want to. He has to.

So pissy:

Trump said he was the victim of “false accusations against a rich guy. Or in my case against a famous, rich and political person that’s leading the polls by 40 points.”

Okeydoke, false accusations against a rich guy, or in his case a famous rich political person that's leading the polls by 40 points. Uh huh. Cool.

After striking his shot, Trump claimed it had travelled about 280 yards. “Biden can’t hit it 80 down the middle,” he said.

OK. Is Trump actually coming to America to appear at the trial?

“No,” [Trump lawyer Joe] Tacopina responded when asked if Trump would appear in person.


(Yesterday, the judge took the basically unprecedented step of giving Tacopina and Trump a little time to MAKE EXTRA CERTAIN they're on the same page regarding whether Trump will testify. Mind you, Carroll's lawyers have rested and Trump's lawyers were just about to. So when he bitches about how UNFAIR BIASSSS this judge is against him, keep that in mind.)

But maybe Trump's gonna have to make some empty threats to come confront Special Counsel Jack Smith, because the New York Times broke a bunch of news about all Smith's criminal investigations into Trump and his pals last night.

Maggie Haberman and about 8,000 other reporters are bylined, so you know it's full of words and news.

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Pentagon Leaker Idjit Was Caught Before He Could Do Any Mass Shootings

He seems nice.

Federal prosecutors argued at a hearing yesterday that Massachusetts Air National Guard guy Jack Teixeira needs to stay in jail before his trial for allegedly leaking classified Pentagon documents. The 21-year-old walking security risk should be detained until trial because he gave up a ton of military secrets for the sake of impressing his gamer dork friends on Discord, the prosecutors said. Teixeira also regularly talked about his desire to equip a minivan or SUV as an "assassination van" and to "kill a [expletive] ton of people," for the lulz we guess. The DOJ detention memo did not specify whether that was a shit ton of people or a fuck ton of people, nor whether, if it were the latter, he meant a metric or standard fuck ton.

Magistrate Judge David Hennessy didn't make an immediate decision yesterday on whether Teixeira will be kept in jail before trial, or to grant his attorneys' request that he be allowed to stay under supervision at his father's home, because he's a good boy who would definitely stay off the internet and there's no chance he'd flee.

Keep reading...Show less

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