Marjorie Taylor Greene Gonna Ban 'This Pornhub,' AKA The Hunter Biden Website She Just Found Out About
You know how America is always on This Pornhub, getting its Hunter Biden fix.
Marjorie Taylor Greene is furious. Know that thing when your mom finds out some guy at school has been teaching you how to smoke drugs and that it's OK to skip your daily homophobic prayers to QAnon deities? And your mom is like "Who is THIS friend of yours? THIS Trevor! Does THIS Trevor have parental supervision? I don't want you hanging out with THIS Trevor anymore!"
Except MTG is not mad at This Trevor, instead she is mad at This Pornhub, which she found out about just now, and which she apparently thinks is mostly a website of Hunter Biden nakeds. THIS Pornhub!
It was the Putnam County Lincoln Reagan Dinner in Ohio, and she had words for THIS Pornhub:
Greene was babbling about the MAGA Right's latest Hunter Biden conspiracy theories about Joe Biden's illegitimate grandchild, we don't care what it is and no normal American does either, and she explained what she found out this week. You want to know what Marjorie Taylor Greene found out this week? Because she does her own research, so when she finds things out, she becomes armed with the information, and you wouldn't like her when she's armed with the information.
This is what she found out this week:
“There is a website — you may or may not have heard about it — called PornHub."
You may or may not have heard about it.
“It is a disgusting porn website."
No! On the internet?
"As a matter of fact, it should be illegal."
There's that MAGA Christian fascist message that keeps winning at the polls. MTG gonna ban porn.
"I can't even, I don’t even know why it exists.”
She can't even. This Pornhub!
Can somebody sit down and have a little conversation with the congresswoman from Georgia? We don't have time. Considering how she was at a Republican dinner that asked her to be its keynote speaker, we imagine there were some interesting browser histories in the room.
"But Hunter Biden used to have MULTIPLE ACCOUNTS on this Pornhub, pornography, sex website!"
This Pornhub! This pornography sex website! The one with the Hunter Biden nakeds!
Marjorie Taylor Greene found out — just found out, doin' her own research — that on This Pornhub, you can have your own accounts where you make the pornography sex! "These are accounts where he posted his sex videos!" HAS ANY AMERICAN EVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING?
This is what she found out, doing her own research. "Like the ones that are on the Hunter Biden laptop." Uh oh, Hunter Biden put HUNTER BIDEN LAPTOP on the internet?
“He still has an account on Pornhub where his videos are posted. It is still live and active. This is the son of the president of the United States.”
Some hick in the audience you can hear muttering words like "Ew!" and "Fraudulent!" as Greene grunted things about "vile piece of trash!" With these revelations Marjorie Taylor Greene found when she was doing her own research for "Hunter Biden facts" we are pretty sure Hunter Biden's career as an elected public official in these United States is doomed.
Resign, Hunter, resign in shame!
Anyway, Marjorie Taylor Greene is once again one of the most abjectly stupid human beings we have ever encountered and we continue to be stunned she doesn't accidentally injure herself in ever more absurd ways each and every day.
In other news, Pornhub just blocked the entire state of Utah over an age verification law signed by its governor, so if you see any porn-starved Mormons on the side of the road, throw them a bottle of water or something.
[h/t Daily Beast / RawStory]
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Despite Republican Freakouts, Michigan To Legalize LIVING TOGETHER, Even For Humans
People can cohabit as 'lewdly and lasciviously' as they want, but may want to close the blinds.
In Michigan's state Senate Wednesday, a bill to finally repeal a long-disused (because it's literally unconstitutional) 1931 law forbidding unmarried couples from living in sin easily passed, so hooray, once the House passes it and Gov. Gretchen Whitmer signs it, the state's legal code will be rid of one more "zombie law" clogging up the statutes. Then Michiganders won't have to worry about being sentenced to a year in prison and fined up to $1,000, unless of course they have a time machine so they can go back to the Roosevelt administration (any of them) to shack up and fuck.
That's pretty neat and good-governmenty, and we are thrilled to let you know that some states are acting like it's the 21st century, great job, everyone enjoy your modern jet packs, brain uploads, and sex robots, have a nice day, the end.
Oh, you sillies went and read the headline, so now I have to tell you the rest of the story, don't I? You in the back there, put that sexbot away. Yes, even if it does look just like a Telefunken U47. Because of course the bill didn't get a unanimous vote in the state Senate, even though, as we note, it is not merely unenforced and antiquated, it's unconstitutional under Lawrence v Texas, at least until the Supreme Court throws that out.
Oh. Maybe that's why nine Republicans voted to keep the ban on cohabitation.
State Sen. Stephanie Chang (D) didn't just want to clean up the criminal code with Senate Bill 56; she also pointed out that the old law could actually have "real life implications" even though it's unenforced:
The Internal Revenue Service tax code states that individuals can’t claim certain tax benefits if their relationship violates local laws, Chang said. She argued unmarried couples in committed relationships in Michigan should have the same rights as they would in any other state.
“This bill is not about a moral issue, it’s not about changing people’s behavior, not about marriage rates,” she said in a floor speech Wednesday. “It’s really just about bringing us into the 21st Century.”
Some Republicans insisted that those tax penalties made repealing the law a bad idea, because now there's another incentive for people not to get married, and oh, won't that be tragic for Families? State Sen. Thomas Albert (R) said maybe criminalizing cohabitation was a "foolish idea," but that the statute should stay in place to encourage mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
“I very easily would be a yes on this bill if the tax structure continued to encourage marriage,” Albert said, citing benefits for children who grow up in a household with married parents.
“Federal law prevents taxpayers from claiming some dependent if their relationship violates state law. The bill before us today would clear the way for two unmarried individuals living together to meet dependency requirements and claim those tax benefits,” he continued.
Also, there's that thing with the dogs and cats, you can't be too careful.
State Sen. Ed McBroom (R) fretted about the horrors faced by children from a "broken home," although that sounds like more of an argument to ban divorce, since "together" is a key word in the phrase unmarried persons living together. He explained that his no vote wasn't motivated by a desire
"to be mean or stodgy. It was passed because it was better for society – in particular, children.
“A repeal of this law is not a promotion of the common good,” McBroom said. “Cohabitation has been consistently shown to decrease the resilience and permanence of marriage, and to decrease the potential that marriage happens at all. ... Broken homes are incredibly damaging to the future of children.”
We will close by adding that we wasted a good 10 minutes of our life looking for details about this teasing line from Michigan Advance, which mentioned that McBroom had referenced "popular television shows and movies in the 1970s and 1980s," but damned if we could scrounge up any quotes, which were undoubtedly hilarious. So please feel free to make up any anti-living-in-sin quotes involving popular media from that era, and you can believe McBroom said them, OK?
[Michigan Advance / Bridge Michigan / MLive / Photo by 'Turbot' on Pixabay, free license]
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Just A Couple Normal White Guys Talking About Boning And Breeding
Tucker did two nights of Elon Musk interviews, because of course he did.
Tucker Carlson and Elon Musk had a televised conversation about boning and breeding last night.
The only weird thing is that they didn't have this conversation sitting nut-to-nut in a His-and-His testicle tanning device. They should have done that.
But come on, Wonkette. Aren't all Tucker Carlson interviews, at heart, conducted sitting inside nut-to-nut, His-and-His testicle tanning devices? At least metaphorically? We've all seen his daytime studio.
Anyway, Tucker asked Elon Musk, who has a weird disgusting filthy kinky obsession with breeding, about why people don't even want to breed anymore. Tucker has constant freakouts over low testosterone. It's part of his general masculine insecurity. He's obsessed with sperm counts, but only in the "Western world." Tucker has constant freakouts over non-white people from Not America coming into to America and — one might say — Greatly Replacingwhite Americans "legacy Americans." It's part of his general white supremacy legacy supremacy, which also appears to be linked to his general masculine insecurity.
So Tucker — this freak — needed to ask Elon Musk — that freak — about breeding. Surprise, that freak decided to say some really weird shit about how abortion and birth control are going to end all of civilization:
TUCKER CARLSON: I mean the urge to have sex and to procreate is, after breathing and eating, the most basic urge. How has it been subverted?
Because now people know they can fuck without procreating, and for a lot of people that is like the deluxe model of fucking, a major improvement over the dumb first version.
ELON MUSK: Well it's just, in the past we could rely upon, you know, simple limbic system rewards in order to procreate. But once you have birth control and abortions and what not, now you can still satisfy the limbic instinct but not procreate. So we haven't yet evolved to deal with that because this is all fairly recent in the last 50 years or so before birth control.
Elon likes to say "limbic." He thinks we need to "evolve" to live with a situation where you can fuck without breeding. He needs to say "limbic" again.
Also SHOCK SURPRISE, he has some weird garbage thoughts about abortion and birth control.
ELON: I'm sort of worried that — hey, civilization, if we don't make enough people to at least sustain our numbers perhaps increase a little bit, then civilization's going to crumble.
Uh huh, wank wank wank.
Now look. Everybody now understands that Elon Musk is not some crazy genius. He's an abject fucking moron who's bought other people's hard work and innovation. He's one of the richest people in the world, and he's got this breeding fetish. He really stupidly thinks there's an "underpopulation crisis." (There is not.) He's been on this for a long time.
And for some reason, Elon Musk apparently thinks his genes are really awesome and his jizz should be turned into as many babies as possible. He has 10 children, that we know of, including a transgender daughter who's estranged from him presumably because he's a piece of transphobic shit.
Reminder, we are talking about this guy, who looks like if Lady Elaine from "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood" got drunk and figured out how to reproduce asexually. He thinks the world needs his sperm.
In the same clip above, before the weird breeding discussion, there is a weird alien discussion. Elon says that "if anyone would know about aliens on earth, it would probably be me," and he said it really serious, like we are supposed to take for granted that because he has a rocket company he really has the inside track on aliens.
"I'm, you know, very familiar with space stuff," he added, we swear to God.
He also added that if he did find aliens, he would tweet it out, because it would be the "top tweet of all time."
Twitter execs wouldn't even have to rig the platform to make sure everybody saw that Elon tweet first!
"Jackpot! Eight billion likes!" he added, because he couldn't stop talking.
And Tucker was giggling really loudly and high-pitched, you know how he does.
The rest of Tucker's two-night interview with Elon was pretty much like this five-second clip:
\u201cjust 2 dudes having a normal laugh\u201d— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1681776078
And this conversation about people are smart but chimpanzees are fast but what if something is smarter than humans and chimpanzees:
\u201cthis is the sort of conversation you have after taking your first bong rip in a college dorm room\u201d— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar) 1681776078
Cool.
OK well this has been fun, end of blog post now, and OPEN THREAD.
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Texas Wingnut Says Dirty Book Ban Would Include 'Lonesome Dove.' Not A Good Move In Texas.
May as well serve salsa that's made in New York City.
We missed this when it happened a little over a week ago, so a Saturday seems like a great time to catch up. Texas state Rep. Jared Peterson (R) is pushing HB 900, a school censorship bill he disingenuously calls the "READER Act," aimed at keeping "sexually explicit" books out of school libraries. (The acronym stands for "Restricting Explicit and Adult-Designated Educational Resources," so it's really more of a Don't be a Reader act.)
The bill would require book vendors to label all books that contain any sexual content as either "sexually relevant," meaning it's allowable under required school curriculum, like sex ed or health, or "sexually explicit," meaning it's offensive and smutty and cannot be sold to schools. There's no other category.
Parents would have to give express written permission for their kids to check out the "sexually relevant" materials, and the other kind would simply be removed. Later this year, vendors would also have to give schools a complete list of past sales, too, identifying books with any mention of sex with one label or the other. Any vendor found to have left filthsexporn books off the list would be barred from ever selling books to Texas schools again.
And just to clean up any cases where a book seems filthy but isn't quite explicit, the bill also "permits the exclusion from a school library of materials that are pervasively vulgar or educationally unsuitable," which we'll assume is some kind of Captain Underpants clause.
At a House Public Education Committee hearing on the bill, Peterson proclaimed that it was really simple: "There should be no sexually explicit books” in any high school library, period.
State Rep. James Talarico (D) came to the hearing prepared with a simple question about his favorite book, Larry McMurtry's 1985 epic of the fading frontier, Lonesome Dove. We'll confess we haven't read it ourselves, but we understand It's the official favorite novel of Texas. But it's also very frank about the realities of the Old West: one of the main characters is a prostitute, and the book includes both consensual sex and a terrible sexual assault and its aftermath. Plus, a whole lot of nonsexual violence.
So Talarico asked Peterson at the hearing, would Lonesome Dove have to be removed from every school library in Texas?
Patterson admitted he had never read Lonesome Dove — My San Antoniocolumnist John DeVore wondered if that might not actually disqualify Patterson from being in the Lege altogether — and proceeded to what might be Lone Star blasphemy:
“I don’t care if it’s ‘Lonesome Dove’ or any other novel — if it has sexually explicit material, I would view that as an incredible win for the students of the state to not have that material in the library.” said Patterson. [...]
Patterson told members of the House Public Education Committee that the aim of his bill is simple: If a book has sexually explicit content, it has no home on any bookshelf in any of Texas’ nearly 9,000 K-12 campuses.
As DeVore points out, Lonesome Dove is the Great Texas Novel, "the closest thing to a holy text in Texas, except for actual holy texts." He suggests newly-elected Texas office-holders could be given the option "to swear on a copy of Lonesome Dove instead of the Bible," although we'd add that plenty of allegedly Christian politicians don't seem terribly familiar with the contents of the latter book, either. The Bible has a lot of sex stuff, too, but we hear it's necessary for the plot.
The story went viral, helped by another Republican's attempt to insist that Lonesome Dove would surely not face removal because according to her extensive research, there wasn't anything dirty in it.
That ally was Christin Bentley, a member of the State Republican Executive Committee and occasional blogger for the rightwing "Texas Freedom Coalition," which started as an anti-mask group during the pandemic, and has expanded into a rightwing cultural grievance clearinghouse. Bentley's research consisted of buying Lonesome Dove as an ebook on Amazon, only without the link that gives Yr Wonkette a small cut.
As Bentley explained on Twitter, she did a keyword search for four dirty words — fuck, vagina, sex, and pussy — which she found are not in the book, and therefore. Rep. Talarico "should be relieved to know that this book is not sexually explicit." Because Yr Wonkette is committed to the spirit of free scholarly inquiry, we reproduce Bentley's findings for you here, cropped and edited into a single image:
But Bentley also went the extra mile, searching for at least one other dirty word and proclaiming, "Sh*t... as in rat sh*t, bear sh*t, and cow sh*t is as bad as it gets. It's NOT sexually explicit."
\u201cSh*t... as in rat sh*t, bear sh*t, and cow sh*t is as bad as it gets. It's NOT sexually explicit. #txlege\u201d— Christin Bentley, SREC SD-1 (@Christin Bentley, SREC SD-1) 1679449105
So that pretty much settles the question: Christin Bentley has not read Lonesome Dove, as many many replies pointed out.
At Texas Monthly, Christopher Hooks says Bentley's research protocols were simply ill matched to the subject:
Of course, Lonesome Dove is set in the 1870s: Bentley was searching for the wrong words. Twitter users helpfully suggested she search for the word “poke.” (Hard to picture Gus yelling “p—y” across the range.) But even a better search would have been of limited value. With a short summary, you can make Lonesome Dove sound like smut or a wholesome novel. The only way to evaluate it properly, as with any book, is to read it and think about it in its totality. That’s the point of books: You can step into the lives of characters unlike you. You can think about what it’s like to be a woman or a man, consider issues you had never given thought to, and step back into your life at the end of it, your horizons a little wider.
Now hold on here, mister smartypants intellectual! The point of reading is not to encounter the wider world or people different from you, the point of reading is to never be indoctrinated by ideas that the Texas Freedom Coalition says are dangerous, particularly if those thoughts involve LGBTQ people or the ridiculous notion that America has ever been an unpleasant place to live for people who are not white suburban Texan Christians (preferably Babtist or Methodist, at that).
The Great Texas Library Purge has focused in particular on books by or about LGBTQ+ people and racism, and as Hooks notes,
Patterson has put rhetorical emphasis in his pitch for his bill on books that have “sexual indoctrination,” a euphemism for ones about gender-nonconforming or gay kids. The fear he and allies are stoking seems to be that by reading these books, formerly immaculate daughters and sons will become transgender.
The problem, though is that if you try to hide the anti-gay bigotry by a ban on all descriptions of sex, you won't just be banning YA novels that have LGBTQ characters, you'll also be getting rid of books that include smut like this:
In that respect, Gus was unusual, for most men didn't talk. He would blab right up until he shoved his old carrot in, and then would be blabbing again, before it was even dry. Generous as he was by local standards—he gave her five dollars in gold every single time—Lorena still felt a little underpaid. It should have been five dollars for wetting his carrot and another five dollars for listening to all the blab. Some of it was interesting, but Lorena couldn't keep her mind on so much talk. It didn't seem to hurt Gus's feelings any.
Hooks also notes that most adults haven't heard of, much less read, many of the books that end up on the banners' lists, such as Gender Queer, so what the hell, few of them will care if they're removed from libraries. They may have a constituency, like queer young people or graphic novel nerds, but those people are weird and easily dismissed too.
But when it comes to something like Lonesome Dove, enough Texans have read it "to know that while the book is challenging, it is enriching, and being able to make sense of its challenges is part of growing up, especially in this state."
And maybe, just maybe, that will give people pause when the censorious bigots come after other books. One can hope, at least; Patterson's stupid bill passed out of committee this week — with three votes from Democrats (!) — and is headed to the full House.
[Texas Monthly / My San Antonio / Texas Tribune / Texas HB 900 / Lonesome Dove (Wonkette gets a tiny cut)]
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